


The Rest of their Lives

by bazingalere



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Biphobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Girl!Stiles, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Loads of it, M/M, Oblivious Stiles, Panic Attacks, Past Drug Addiction, Protective Derek, Relapsing, Stiles is a girl, Withdrawal, because i can't write proper porn, soft core porn, unfortunately Hale fire happened
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-20
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-16 09:37:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 40,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1342681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bazingalere/pseuds/bazingalere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles had problems.<br/>Derek had problems.<br/>They found each other and that's when the rest of their lives started.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1) English is not my native language and I have no Beta, so I apologize in advance for all the mistakes you'll find in this work. If you have the time, please feel free to point out any mistakes you notice. Critics are always welcome ! 
> 
> 2) This fic deals with alcoholism (and past drug addiction) so proceed with caution. (withdrawal symptoms, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, relapsing ...)
> 
> 3) living in France, I don't know how rehab protocols work in America, so I'm sorry if you find this fic not accurate.
> 
> 4) this is a very personal fic where I talk about some of my own experiences. Obviously, IT IS fiction but if any of you is dealing with problems I write about in this work, feel free to contact me. I always love to talk !  
> Here's my tumblr : [@bazingag](http://bazingag.tumblr.com/)
> 
> This is what I listen to while writing this fic : [[LISTEN]](http://8tracks.com/lyra_who/the-fosters-season-1-soundtrack)

### January 2008 -

 

Her head was resting against the window and had started to hurt about half an hour after she had left Lake Town. She couldn't really think straight with all the talking and the screaming of the kids seating 2 rows behind her. This train was really going too slow. It felt like she had been sitting in it for days, when really it had only been 2 hours. Lake Town was not a big city, nor was it a nice place to live, so she wasn't really sad to get out of there. It's not like she was going to miss anyone or vice-versa.

She took another look to the paper she was holding and read 'Tutor & Guardian : Mr. Derek Hale'. She would have preferred a woman, but if this guy wasn't some old know-it-all bigot, then he should be good enough for the year to come … (if she made it that far). She was hoping he was not much of a talker. Not that she didn't like to talk, she even had some problems stopping sometimes, she just didn't want to talk to him, already.

 

She must have dozed off because, the next thing she heard was the voice announcing 'Beacon Hills'. Her head was still pounding like crazy and her stomach was tied in so many knots she wasn't sure she would be able to eat anything ever again. She took her bag from under the seat- It was not very heavy, she didn't own much- and her skateboard. She hadn't been riding it for long, she started right after she got out of the 'hospital'. It helped her focus on something since she wasn't allowed to take Adderall anymore, and empty her head when she felt like relapsing. In other words, she had been on her board most of the time for the past week.

Before stepping out of the train, she decided to let the pretty brunette she had been eyeing since the start, go first so she could get a smell of her perfume. Lavender. It smelled great, just like she imagined it …  'I'm a fucking creep' she whispered to herself.

It was around 5p.m, and she had to give her eyes a few seconds to adapt to the dark. “Can't they pay for light in this town ? shit.” she said as she tripped over something on the ground.

Great start.

 

“Genowefa Stilinski ?” she heard a deep voice ask behind her. “Or is it Genevieve ?”

“It's Stiles, thanks.” she snapped, already irritated as she turned around. “You're Derek, right ?”

“Mr. Hale, yeah.” he replied with a neutral tone.

“Alright, then … _D_ erek” she replied, insisting on the 'D'.

“I see.” he sighed taking her bag from her shoulder and leading her to the parking lot.

 

Her eyes could see way better now and the man walking in front of her didn't look like a sober companion or a guardian AT ALL. Black boots, dark jeans, white T-shirt, leather jacket- ' _Isn't he freezing, we're in January, for god's sake_!' she thought - and dark hair. She had to stop a small mocking laugh as she pictured him work on his hair style for hours. Yes, she was a bitch today. He would have to deal with it.

 

' _A Camaro … really ?'_ was her first reaction. In this little town, it had to be THE event every time he went to do the grocery shopping. Show-off.

 

“Is that all you have ?” He asked looking a bit surprised.

“No, I'm waiting for my private jet to deliver the rest, I hope you don't mind.” yep, Stiles had decided to be despicable tonight. Go figure.

“Smart ass, ain't you.” He replied without letting anything show on his face as he closed the trunk. She made a face at his back and went to the passenger seat. Well, maybe this guy, would be able to handle her, after all.

 

Forty minutes later, Derek stopped the car in front of a four-story building. And a nice one.

She went for her bag in the trunk, but he beat her and pulled it like it weighed nothing over his shoulder. They walked up the few stairs leading to the building's hall and there, she saw a man sitting behind a big desk/counter reading the newspapers. A fucking concierge … Seriously. The old man waved at Derek, asking how he was and took a look at Stiles with an interrogating look.

 

“Is she the little bird you were talking about this morning ?” the old man asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, this is Genowefa Stilinski. She'll be staying with me for a while, as I told you.” Derek answered, after stopping in the middle of the hall.

“Stiles. And I'm no bird, as you can see.” She walked towards the counter, and reached over with her hand to take a better look at the name tag pined on the old man. “Al as in Alfred ?” Stiles just needed at least one Batman reference a day. It was a thing for her.

“As in Albert, actually” the old man replied with a big smile on his face, took the hand in front of him to put a light kiss on it. A _baise-main_. “Milady”. Stiles was a bit stunned at first, but decided she liked the guy.

 

Derek had witnessed the whole scene without saying anything, his face as blank as a human face could be. He nodded to Al and called the elevator.

Apartment 204. There were actually 8 apartments in the whole building. Each being a freaking duplex. _How on earth did she end up here ?_

After you passed the door, you could see a big corridor leading to the bathroom and the toilets. Two different rooms (!). Before the corridor, on the right, were the stairs. Going up, you found the kitchen and the living room, being one BIG room. On the right, two doors, each leading separately to Derek's and Stiles' bedrooms. After giving her the _grand tour_ , Derek gave her some privacy and let her adjust to her new place. The walls where plain white, a mirror hanging over an old-looking chest of drawers, a desk , what looked like a king-sized bed and a night stand with a lamp. It was plain, she liked it. She went for a quick shower, changed into sweat pants and an old tee-shirt.

 

Derek had made macaroni and cheese … What a cook ! But it looked and smelled more than eatable. Her mouth started watering but she wasn't sure she would keep in whatever she'd eat. She helped set the table in silence, and made sure to pay attention to where all the utensils were. Once they were seated, Derek looked at her and started :

 

“The social worker and a doc from the Beacon Hills Clinic rehab center will be coming tomorrow, to check on you and to explain what's gonna happen in the next few months. So, until then, Ima tell you what to expect from me and what I expect from you.” He then paused to make sure she was focused and listening.

 

“Fire away then, big guy.”

 

“I'm not your parent, not your sibling and not your friend, which doesn't mean I won't be friendly, don't get me wrong. I'm your sober companion AND your guardian since you are still only 17. It means I am responsible for you and what you do.” He paused again.

 

“Copy that.” Stiles said. Derek stared at her, looking for something in her face, her expression and started speaking again.

 

“ So, no booze here …. _Obviously_. Weed or other drugs are outta question. Zero tolerance policy. You can invite friends over but no hook-ups and you ask beforehands ! No parties … also obvious. I can't force you to go back to school if you don't want to, but in that case you've got to find a job. Part-time or whatever, I don't care. I just don't want you staying in doing nothing all day long. No lazy ass in my house. Whenever you go outside, work related or not, you write it on the notepad on the fridge. No exception. You also, have to be reachable anywhere at anytime, so, here, your new phone.” He handed her one of these new kick-ass smartphones. “I put my number, the apartment's and the rehab center's in. if you press 1, you speed dial me. No matter what time it is, if you ever feel like something's wrong, you call me. Clear enough ?”

“Crystal.” She replied, still digesting everything that had been said. “What did you do to get yourself in this situation ? I mean, being the sober companion to a messed up teenager ? How old are you anyway ?”

 

“I'm 24 and that's a story for another time. For now, as the doc and the social worker will tell you, you'll have to go and do a check up once every month at least, and you'll have to attend the Sundays' sessions of the Alcoholic Anonymous every week.” Stiles sighed heavily. “Yep, no fun, but no pain no gain, right ? Since you had no behavior problems during rehab and you showed no tendencies of relapsing, I don't have to be with you 24/7. That's the good news.”

 

“Wow, you know my file by heart. I'm very touched” Sarcasm had always been her best weapon. “All the rules sound respectable. I think I can avoid making your life a nightmare, Derek Hale.”

He smirked. That was new.

 

“Oh and I don't cook for you. We eat what we make ourselves here. Meaning, if you don't know how to, I hope you're a quick learner.”

 

Stiles winked at him.

“You'll be begging me to cook for you in no time, sugar daddy !”

 

Derek raised both his eyebrows, but didn't look unsettled by Stiles' ways. He then settled himself on the couch and turned on the TV. Stiles, felt the adrenaline from the excitation and the stress wear out and the sleepiness kick in. After, brushing her teeth, she said goodnight and crashed on her bed.

 

_Ding Dong. Ding Dong Ding Dong._ “What the fuck ?” She thought out loud. She checked her watch. It was 8:30 in the morning and it was pitch dark outside as she realized she didn't take the time to close the curtains yesterday night. The maddening sound kept ringing into her ears until she went downstairs to open the door.

Standing in front of her were a stunningly beautiful blond-haired woman in a tight black skirt and a white shirt revealing the top of pretty nice breasts. Near her, was a bald black man (who reminded her of Morpheus) wearing dark blue jeans, a black tee-shirt and a medical white coat. “Let me guess, the doc and the social worker ?” Stiles said.

 

It took them about 2 hours to explain exactly the same things Derek had told her in 2 minutes the previous day. Dr Deaton, did a quick check up. Height, weight …the usual, and asked a few questions : how long she had been clean, the last time she had wanted to drink and what had caused the need … blah blah blah  _Pretty boring._

 

As she was looking into every cupboards searching for edible breakfast material, she realized everything had been put in place very neatly. She took another look around her, the living room, the kitchen … ' _Jesus_ , t _ell me he is NOT a cleaning freak !'._ She sighed and grabbed the cereal box in front of her.

Derek had left her the apartment key on the table with a note that said :

“Stiles,

I'm at work. Will be back around 3pm. Go take a look around. I left you today's newspapers if you fancy going job hunting already.

Stay out of trouble.

D.”

_What kind of work did he do to be home at 3 ?_

 

Grabbing her hoodie, she decided to go for a walk in the neighborhood. She took the job hunting page, just in case and grabbed her skateboard. She wouldn't be walking much. After a bit of small talk with Al, she exited her new gilded cage. The cold wind bit her face, as she got on her board. She had no idea where she was going but she didn't care and her mind left her to wander god knows where again.

The rain falling on her face brought her back to reality. She pulled her hood on and started looking around to see if she could find shelter anywhere near. She wasn't very far from Derek's apartment, but it felt like a pain in the ass to go back there now, and the rain had started to pouring. _Stiles' luck would be the death of her_. She saw a dinner called 'Melissa's'. She crossed the road like she was running for her life and must have made some kind of dramatic entrance, because everybody was staring at her. She sat down at one of the table near a heater. That's when Stiles saw Her for the first time. She was petite, curvy, had strawberry blond hair and big bright eyes. She was wearing a breath-taking smile on her face when she bend a bit over Stiles and started to talk. Stiles' heart skipped a beat.

 

“ Excuse me, what ?” Stiles asked, startled by her own attitude.

 

The girl laughed nicely,

“I asked if I could bring you anything. You're gonna have to buy something if you want to stay in this seat.” the waitress winked. Her self-confidence was shining and warming Stiles' body. _Or was it the heater near her ?_

 

“um, yeah. Sorry. I'll take a large coffee. Black. And the ... today's special.” Stiles said without taking a breath. “Please.”

 

“Coming right up.” The waitress winked at her again, before going back to the kitchen.

 

Stiles needed to focus on something else, if she didn't want the already compromising thoughts featuring Stiles and this gorgeous girl to go wilder. She pulled out the piece of paper from her pocket and started going through the classified ads. Stiles jumped a bit when she noticed the strawberry blond reading over her shoulder.

 

“ You looking for a job ?” She asked as she put her plate and coffee in front of her on the table. The waitress then seated herself in the chair facing Stiles. “ There is a position available here, if you don't mind working as a waitress. The pay isn't much but the boss is the sweetest .”

 

Stiles didn't know what to reply at first. Finding a job that easily and near her place … where was the trap ?

Seeing as Stiles wasn't answering, the pretty girl's smile became even more genuine, she bent over the table a bit, getting closer to Stiles and whispered : “And you get to work with me.” She then walked away as someone had called her at some other table.

This girl was the devil and Stiles was so going down to hell with her.

 

When she was finished, Stiles went over to the cashier where a dark haired lady was standing and asked to speak with the boss. As it happened, this woman was the boss, Melissa McCall. Stiles explained she had been told by the waitress, Lydia, that an other waitress was wanted. Melissa confirmed and after a short explanatory talk asked her to come in 2 days for a test-shift.

As she was walking toward the main door, Stiles looked at Lydia and said with the little confidence she had gathered since earlier :

 

“Thanks for the info, Lydia. I guess I'll see you around, then.”

 

“ I hope so, Stiles. I hope so.” Lydia replied, smirking.

 

When she came back to the apartment, the silence hit her in the face. When she had been in the 'hospital', it was never silent, there was always some kind of noise. Stiles had complained about it a lot, because that's who she was and that's what she did, complain. But, right now, this silence made her feel uncomfortable. She could hear it, feel it … she hated it. The good news of getting a job and meeting a Greek goddess were not important anymore. It didn't matter. All that mattered was the fact she was alone, her mind going everywhere, unable to focus and this silence weighing on her head, her shoulders, her whole body. She needed to make her brain dizzy. She needed to black out. To make it stop. To make everything stop. She needed something strong. She needed a drink.

She started opening all the cupboards in the kitchen, all the drawers, she looked in the freezer, under the couch … and suddenly she stopped. She heard the apartment's door opening and it brought her back. She couldn't help the empty laugh she made as she realized she was half lying on the floor. She was mad. And she didn't even last 24 hours out of the hospital.

 

When Derek, got a glimpse of her lying there half-laughing half-crying, he dropped whatever he was holding in his hands and ran to her. Kneeling, he grabbed her shoulders to help her sit straight on the floor, her back against the couch. He didn't ask what happened, because he knew exactly what she had been doing a moment ago. He waited for her to speak, not releasing his grip on her. Staring at her face.

Stiles was gathering all the strength she had left and whispered loud enough for him to hear :

 

“ I found a job.” Tears rolling down her cheeks, even though she wasn't crying. “I'm pathetic, but I found a fucking job.”

 

Derek kept staring at her. And he realized he needed to help this girl. He could help her. He took her in his arms, soothing her by making small circles with his hands on her back. 

 

“That was fast. That's great news.” He paused as she starting crying silently for real. “Shhhh. It's alright. There's nothing wrong with what happened. Shhh. You're gonna be okay.”

 

“I hate the silence.” Stiles whispered even lower.

 

“Let's make it loud then.”

 

He took her from the floor, carried her to the couch and seated himself by her side. He then turned on the TV. It was a lame entertainment show and when he turned his head to ask Stiles what she wanted to watch, he wasn't surprised to see her sleeping soundly against his shoulder. He didn't carry her to her bed, because he wasn't sure she wouldn't be disoriented waking up alone in a quiet room. Not long after, he was half asleep himself.

 

And that's how the rest of their life started.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning : panic attack (more like anxiety/panic attacks)
> 
> I don't know why I'm putting a warning because there's going to be a lot of that in this fic. the hurt/comfort tag is kind of the key tag of this fic.

 

### March 2008 -

 

Light snow had been falling on Beacon Hills for 3 days non-stop and that was kind of weird knowing they were in Southern California and that it was March already. Stiles wasn't used to the snow and she found out she liked it, somehow.

She had been working five days a week at Melissa's for a month and a half and loved it so far. Apart from the annoying customers she had learned to recognize, she was always happy to go to work every afternoon. Of course, Stiles had told Melissa about her condition and the fact she was still on her road to recovery. Her boss hadn't judged her, or she'd hid it pretty well, and told her that as long as she was doing her job properly, nothing else mattered. She learned that one of the other waiter she hadn't met yet, Isaac, also had some kind of a dark past, but Melissa didn't say more about it and Stiles appreciated it. She knew the woman wouldn't tell anyone about her. Stiles wasn't ready for other people to know.

Since she was only 17, she wasn't allowed to touch or serve alcohol. Perfect alibi. It didn't mean it wasn't hard sometimes, seeing the bottles aligned on the shelves or smelling the beers on the tables, but the noise, the business of the placer made it all bearable. And Erica, the social worker in charge of her, had told her it may be a good test to figure out where she was at in her recovery.

Some days were harder than others. One morning she would wake up feeling strong and determined, and the next, she would just lie in her bed wondering what she was doing everything for. The battle didn't seem worth the effort. Sometimes, Derek even had to come and help her get up by pep talking her, but he never made her feel embarrassed about it. He made it feel normal, made _her_ feel normal. She needed that.

She always woke up around the same time Derek did, so she could see him before he got to work since she was out herself when he got home in the afternoon. They never talked again about what had happened in January, and no other 'incident' had occurred so far, but the apartment's TV had never been turned off since then, and Derek tried to be home as often as he could whenever Stiles was.

They actually talked a lot together. About baseball, lacross and other sports, Stiles' day, her work, her coworkers, her visits to the doc,the AA meetings … but they never talked about her past. Derek never asked once. Stiles, on the contrary, asked him a lot of questions, but he always brushed off personal ones. She eventually got used to it and wasn't disappointed anymore every time he answered her questions by another question.

 

She hated Sundays. She had to go to those horrible A.A. meetings and sit for hours listening to people talking about how long they had been clean, _when_ they had relapsed, _why_ they had relapsed … They were all saying inspirational stuff and asking people to hang on … _fucking bullshit._ She had been clean for a few months (despite Miss Reyes pleas, she wasn't counting the days) and no matter how many people begged her to feel proud and make a speech to celebrate, she refused. Stiles didn't feel better, she wasn't proud of herself. Being sober for a few months or 10 years didn't erase the fact she had been a mess, a fucking trash, for more than a year. She knew she could relapse at any moment, it was just a matter of time. Dr deaton, a _s the perfect shrink_ , had been trying to tell her not to think like that, to consider each day a victory, to take baby steps, that it was hard but she was doing great. _And this guy was paid to say that ??_ Here, she was bitching again …

Derek never pushed her though. He did wish her 'Happy 6 months' (She had felt terrible when he did), but it had been casual and she had thanked him quietly for that. He went with her every Sunday and sat in the chair next to her silently. Even though she didn't know much about him, he was becoming the big brother, she never knew she wanted and needed.

One Sunday, in the car, as they were going to the Diner for lunch, Stiles turned to Derek and asked :

 

“Why didn't you ask me to make a speech ? Isn't it your job to make me participate in all this bullshit.”

 

He looked at her quickly before putting his eyes back on the road, a small smile on his lips.

“Do you _want_ to make a speech ?” he asked.

 

“Fuck no, but I was just wondering if you wouldn't get your ass fired for doing a shitty job.” she said “I'm worried about you, dude.”

 

“Well, thanks for your concern … I suppose. But, being a torturer is not my job and being a sober companion isn't my job either, you know.”

 

“What ? You mean you're doing all of that for free ?! Man, what did you do that was so bad you have to take care of me with no money compensation ? Your have a shitty karma.”

 

“I didn't say I am not getting any money out of it, but it's just to make sure you can buy clothes and eat properly. Plus, I'm the one who asked to become a sober companion. Becoming the guardian to a 17 y.o pain in the ass was just a bonus, I guess.” He kept smiling but Stiles knew he wouldn't say more about it. He had already said more about himself than he ever had before.

She turned the radio on and let herself relax in the seat, looking outside the window.

 

Once they had said hello to Melissa and Scott, her son who helps from times to times on the weekends, they sat down and didn't even look at the menu. They knew exactly what they wanted since they had been coming here every week after every meeting, and Stiles knew the god damn thing by heart anyway. A few minutes later their plates arrived along with a familiar smell. Cranberries. Stiles' cheeks and ears started to redden.

 Lydia and her had exchanged numbers the moment she had started working at Melissa's and they quickly got along, becoming some kind of friends, even though the strawberry-blond didn't know who Stiles was, at all. They texted and called each other a lot, chatting about nothing in particular. Stiles had still learnt Lydia had run away from home about a year ago and was now sharing a place with Isaac, the other waiter. The girl was keeping a low profile since she was still only 17 and didn't want to be sent in the system. “What kind of foster parents would want a 17 y.o lesbo ?” she had said. Luckily, they had been talking about that over the phone, so Lydia hadn't seen the smile growing on Stiles' face. _Her chances with the girl had increased significantly_. But mostly, they had light conversations about movies, books, famous people, … Lydia had followed Stiles a few times to the only skatepark of BH, where she had been hit on more than once by some local boys. It had been kind of fun to watch. She would let them go all 'boys' on her and she would sometimes play along but in the end, she would tell them she was already with someone. Each time, Stiles' heart would sink a bit. She knew those weren't dates and Stiles hadn't even confirmed to her friend that she also was gay, but nonetheless, she still felt disappointed when she was reminded she didn't stand a chance with Lydia. Her flirty behavior was just her way of showing her self-confidence, Stiles had gotten that long ago, but still … damn.

 

She could feel Derek's stare on her as she turned her head to look at the redhead ( _oops, I meant strawberry blond_ ).

 

“Hey, Stranger, you didn't call yesterday. I was waiting.” She faked a pout that made her look younger and cuter. Derek's eyebrows raised at once, she knew it without even looking.

 

“Hey, Lyd, what are you doing ? You work on Sundays now ?”

 

“No appologies ? I'm hurt ! ... Well, Melissa needed a few pair of helping hands today, so I volunteered. The cash is always needed.”

 

“Yeah, sorry about yesterday. I was with Derek and we marathoned the Lord of the Rings. Intense ! That's cool to get to see you today.”

 

She came back to reality, with a forced cough from Derek. She then turned her head back to face him.

 

“Oh, ya, sorry ! Derek, Lydia Martin, my coworker and friend. Lyd, Derek Hale, my …” She stopped as she couldn't figure a good enough lie to tell. She hadn't told Lydia about living with Derek. Fuck.

 

“Her uncle. Not by blood, though.” He rescued her. This guy was her new hero.

 

“Is that so ? She didn't say she was living with a family member. And a gorgeous one.” She replied, giving one of her famous wink.

Looking at him now, he was indeed a good looking man, Stiles thought.

 

“Didn't I ? Well, I must have forgotten. So, I'll see you tomorrow. Right ?”

 

“Of course. Call me tonight ! Enjoy your meal.” She put a hand on Stiles shoulder and it took her all she had not to grab it and attack Lydia's mouth, right there. Instead, she nodded and looked at her plate.

 

“So … That was interesting.” he finally said a few minutes later.

 

“Was it ?” She snapped. “Are you disappointed ?” She sounded so weak and hurt, Derek was shocked.

 

“What ? Why would I ?”

 

“Are you disgusted, then ?”

 

“What the heck ? Seriously, why would I be ?”

 

“Well, homophobia would be a good reason, for starters.” She was praying she wouldn't be sent away. Not again. Derek looked at her with such intensity, she felt naked and vulnerable.

 

“Do I look like some kind of bigot to you ? That kinda hurt, I gotta say …” And he did look hurt.

 

“It's just after my fath-... My foster family. When they found me kissing the neighboors' daughter. Let's say, they didn't take it too well.”

 

It was the first time she had talked about it to anyone, apart from the social worker in charge of her at the time, and that wasn't a good memory. Derek eyes softened a bit and he put his hand on her forarms. It was warm and it started filling her whole body with its warmth.

 

“My last partner is named Danny. And believe me, he looks nothing even remotely like a woman.”

 

“You're gay ???” Stiles was at a loss. Her gaydar had always been good, but she hadn't seen that one coming. Maybe she didn't pay much attention to him after-all.

 

“Well, I've been with women too. It didn't end well, though.” His faced turned a bit paler.

 

“Bi then ?” Stiles felt intrigued all of a sudden.

 

“That's a lot of labels. Call it what makes you feel comfortable, I suppose.” He smiled and resumed eating his burger.

Okay, Stiles just learned she knew as much about Derek as the guy knew about her.

 

They started talking about a bit more personal stuff after that. Stiles was having trouble understanding how someone could like both women and men in a romantic and sexual way. She wasn't judging at all. Or maybe a bit, but mostly, she was intrigued. So she asked him a lot of questions. It seemed to amuse him a lot.

 

### April 2008 -

 

She was seeing Lydia out of work more and more. And the girl never asked about Derek again, as if she was waiting for Stiles to bring up the subject. Or maybe she just wasn't interested at all.

One evening, as her shift at the Diner was ending, she was washing the few plates that were left before putting them in the dishwasher. It was a Tuesday evening, so there wasn't many customers in. She heard the kitchen's doors open and close softly, and saw Lydia coming towards her. She had a distinct way of walking, that made it impossible not to look at her legs. She was neither thin nor fat, she was just perfectly gorgeous. Her curvy breasts showing a bit through the tight white shirt, her hair up in a loose pony tail, her lips just so plump and kissable and her eyes, always so bright. Her skin looked like it would taste sweet, like vanilla. The girl stopped right behind Stiles, in her personal space. Her heart started pounding like crazy and she had to remember herself not to breath too heavily, but still to keep breathing ! Stiles looked at her and wiped her hands with a little towel, before putting them in her skirt's pockets. _Damn uniform_. They were staring at each other for what felt like decades, when Lydia said :

 

“ I was wondering Stiles.” She stopped before going on. “Are you going to kiss me or not.” it was not a question.

 

Stiles felt an adrenaline rush going through her body like electricity. She bit her lower lip and bent a bit to put her lips on Lydia's. The first touch was sweet and warm and amazing. They were testing a bit, adjusting to the other's eagerness. Stiles' mind went blank when she felt Lydia's hand sliding from the top to the small of her back and opening her mouth welcoming Stiles' tongue like it was what she needed to survive. Stiles cupped her jaw with her left hand and grabbed her hair with the right. As the kiss deepened, she felt herself become wet like she hadn't been in a long time. It felt great. Lydia's body was pressed against her as she was moving her hips against the leg Stiles had put between hers. Not thinking straight ( _pun intended_ ) or at all, Stiles grabbed Lydia's thighs and carried her to table behind her. Standing between her legs, she never wanted this moment to end. She was caressing her thighs as Lydia was grabbing her ass.

That's when Stiles' phone rang. They both stopped, looking a bit out of it and started laughing as Stiles reached into her pocket to answer the damn thing.

 

“Hey ! I'm about to order pizza. Do you have something you want ?” It was Derek.

 

“Um. Whatever. As long as no pineapple is involved !” Stiles joked.

 

“Alrighty ,then. Hum, are you alright ? You sound outta breath.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, don't worry, I have been running all over the place this afternoon. But why are you ordering this early ?” Stiles wondered, because it was barely past 7 pm and they never ordered before 9 when they did.

 

“I'm going out tonight. I thought I had told you.”

 

“Nope. You didn't.”

 

“Well, I do now. Sorry, I really thought I did. Anyway, pizza it is. Later.” He hung up.

 

Stiles felt a bit weird but brushed the feeling away. She had just kissed Lydia, and it had been freaking hot.

 

“Was that your uncle ?” She asked. She never did before.

 

“Yep, he asked about what kind of pizza I wanted for tonight.”

 

“That's nice. Wish my uncle would be like that.” she had a sad smile on her face, but it faded quickly. “So, Saturday night, you, me and a nice movie.” As always, it wasn't a question.

 

“I could do with that I guess.” Stiles brushed her lips against Lydia's before grabbing her bag. “See you tomorrow.”

She had a proper date with Lydia Martin. Yep, life was looking good for once.

 

“How was your day ?” She heard Derek ask before she had even climbed all the stairs. “You sounded pretty out of it when I called.”

 

“Sorry about that. It was a fucking perfect day”

Derek said nothing but stared at her. He knew something was up and Stiles just needed to tell somebody.

 

“We kissed.” Stiles knew he would understand.

 

“It was about time. I thought I would have to send you a fax to make you understand this poor girl has been waiting for you to make a move for forever now.”

 

“Ha. Ha. Who's the smart ass now, old man. Anyway, we're gonna go see a movie on Saturday night, is it ok ?” Stiles had to ask. She couldn't just do whatever she wanted. It was embarrassing and frustrating.

 

“I guess you can. If you want to invite her over, it's alright too you know. Just, no slip-overs !”

 

“Copy that ! And ... thanks.” She shot a big smile at him as he went to answer the door. The pizza was here.

 

After finishing the monstrous pizza they had ordered and while they were doing the dishes, Derek made a pause and looked at her.

 

“ Be careful, okay.”

 

“About what ?”

 

“I mean, don't do too much, too soon. Sometimes, what feels right and good, isn't necessarily what you need at the moment.”

 

“ I'll keep that in mind Obi Wan.” She joked but she felt something twist in her stomach. “Way to ruin the mood Mister SourWolf”. She had learnt not long after she arrived that he was working at the preserve right outside of town. Helping wounded wolves get back to their “paws” before releasing them into the mountains. (Kinda like her). _Wolf rehab_.

 

“Sourwolf, really ?” He smiled and took a look at his watch.

 

“You can go Cinderella. I'll be alright. No dirty lesbian sex under your roof. I swear.” she made the scouts' honor sign and he snorted.

 

“If you have _any_ problem, or if you don't feel right, you call me or Dr Deaton, ok ?”

 

“Don't worry, Daddy Boy. Nothing's gonna happen. I'll watch some lame TV show until I can't bear it any longer. Hop, off you go !” She made a big smile and pushed him gently toward the stairs. He smiled back and put his jacket on before disappearing downstairs.

 

He hadn't said anything about where he was going, but the way he was dressed made it obvious it was a club. Since she had arrived about 3 months ago, Derek never even once spent an evening out without her. He never invited friends or _'friends_ ' over. So she was glad he trusted her enough to go have fun by himself tonight.

They had gone four times bowling together. One night, she had met Danny, Derek's ex (or was he ?). It had been a coincidence, he was there bowling with another guy. Derek hadn't shown any emotions, but Stiles knew by the way his nostrils had tensed up that he was a bit bothered. Nevertheless, Stiles had chatted quite a lot with Danny about lacrosse as he told her he was a professional player, among other things. Derek had talked with Danny's date, and team mate, Jackson.

When she thought back about it, Stiles was happy she got to meet a person from Derek's past. It made her feel like she understood him better.

 

The excitement of earlier with Lydia started to fade away. She settled on the couch in front of the TV to watch a rom-com that had already started. She was dozing off, when the phone rang. She jumped off the couch, turning the TV off and rushed over to answer.

 

“Derek ?” it was a man's voice.

 

“No. His niece.” She stuck with the uncle/niece version of them.

 

“His _niece_. Now, that's interesting.” it could have been a joke, but the bitter tone had made sure it wouldn't be mistaken for one. “because I just came back from _MY_ niece's death first anniversary and I didn't know, she had a daughter living with her brother.”

 

Stiles was speechless and felt sick. Nobody spoke for a while.

 

“Listen, I'm sorry I took that on you. I don't know who you are, and you obviously don't want people to know, but could you tell Derek that I waited for him … all day ?”

 

“I'm sorry, I …” She took a deep breath “ My name's Stiles and I'm under Derek's surveillance until I recover from alcoholism.” She spat everything in one big breath. She didn't know why she had been so plainly honest but she felt like this guy deserved to know who he was talking to.

 

“Well, that's new. Alcoholism you say ? Good luck with that. Anyway, could you tell him I called.”

 

“I will. But, huh, your name ?”

 

“Peter. Peter Hale.” He hung up.

 

 

Silence. She felt a buzzing in her head intensifying. Silence began to wrap her body. Her skin couldn't breath anymore. _She_ couldn't breath anymore. Her heart going crazy, and her knees weakening, she knew only something strong could make her go through this. Only a throat-burning-liquid could help her get a hold of herself, help her think clearly again. Why was this happening ? She had been doing alright for so long, now. Why was this phone call making her weak again ? She had let her guards down, didn't she ? Why was she so upset ? It was Derek's pain, not hers ? She realized she needed help, but whose ? Calling Lydia was out of question, she didn't even know about her condition. Calling Deaton? … No way. Calling Derek? But if he had gone out on her sister's death anniversary, it was for a reason. She couldn't call him asking for help when _he_ was the one who needed it most. She felt sick again, thinking how she had seen nothing. How she was so self centered, she had never noticed Derek's suffering.

She was out of breath. Her chest going up and down quickly, making jerky movements. She had her mouth opened but couldn't get air to her lungs. The buzzing had become deafening.

That's when she felt a tight pressure, right under her breast, and a warm body pressed against her back. She looked down and saw two arms making sure she stopped jerking. She started to here his voice.

 

“It's alright. I'm here. Shhh. Just calm down. Try and adjust your breathing to mine. Shhhh ...” he was whispering in her ears. “Shhh. I'm sorry I left you. It's my fault. I'm sorry.”

She wanted to scream, shout, cry out loud, that it wasn't his fault, but her mouth was not hers anymore. She was mute.

 

They stayed sitting on the floor for a while. Derek rocking her slowly in his arms. When she felt, she could talk again, she said, her voice trembling “Your uncle is scary.” and blacked out.

 

Derek had gone all the way to the nearest club, Jungle, and had even got out of his car before stopping himself to light a cigarette. He only had to cross the street to enter the club. He'd find a hot guy, flirt a bit, maybe fuck in the back of his car and he could escape his life for a while, forget his reality … make it feel less real. He knew getting drunk was out of the question, if not because of him, he couldn't because of Stiles, he couldn't risk to go back home wasted. He had just lighted his third cigarette when he noticed the bouncer glaring at him. He realized he looked a bit creepy, standing in front of a gay bar with an empty look for that long. He hadn't been out in a while and had thought today would be a good one to try and get off a little, he had been wrong. He'd rather be watching some stupid chick-flick with Stiles than fuck some random guy in the toilets of a club. _Now that was new_. _Guess he got attached to the kid, huh_.

Derek knew something was wrong the second he opened the door. He couldn't here the TV. His heart started racing as he rushed up the stairs to see Stiles lying on the ground leaning on her elbows, trying to breath but obviously failing. He got down on his knees so fast, his head started to spin, and he took her in his arms, pressing her back to his chest. Before he knew it, he was whispering in her ears not even understanding what he was saying. He had left her alone too soon. He had been selfish. Wanting to escape his reality even just for today shouldn't even have been an option in his mind. What was wrong with him ? Stiles was his responsibility now. As she was calming down, he came back to his senses as his gaze dropped on her face. _“I won't fail her. Not like I failed them all. Not like I failed Laura. I won't fail you Stiles”_ he promised her and himself in a whisper.

 

When Stiles starting waking up, her head felt heavier than her whole body, and her back was hurting from the way she was positioned. She had been drooling and she made her face slide a bit on her pillow which was way too hard to be her usual pillow.

 

“If you keep sliding your face down that road, I can't imagine what social services would say.” she heard a hoarse voice say.

 

She flicked her eyes open and Derek's fly looked right back at her, she turned her head letting her eyes climb the long of the chest attached to the crotch near her face, all the way to the face looking at her a bit amused. She straightened herself as fast as she could and failed beautifully, falling on the ground like some kind of wounded animal. Derek let out a small mocking laugh.

 

“You did wonders to my jeans. You drooled so much, it looks like I peed my pants !” he joked.

 

“Shit ! Why didn't you wake me ? Or put me in a different position so you wouldn't drown in my drool !”

 

“Classy ! Well, I'll let you know that I tried to do that, but you started whining whenever I stopped patting your head.”

 

“Now, this is embarrassing ...” really she wasn't even that embarrassed. Except for the fact she felt weak in front of Derek, she realized she didn't mind him seeing her like this.

 

“Don't be embarrassed. Really.” He had his serious face on while saying this. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you alone. It's too soon.”

 

“No. I'm sorry. I thought I was stronger than that.” she snarled. “It turns out I'm not. I was all right but then I turned off the TV to answer the phone and I lost it.” Apart from the TV, silence fell on them.

 

Derek feared he knew what had happen, feared that Stiles snapping was the consequences of him fleeing his responsibilities. His uncle had called him a few times on his phone so it was only logical that he would try calling the apartment's. All of it had been confirmed when Stiles told him his uncle was scary.

 

“What happened ?” he asked.

 

“You have a message. From your uncle.” she said not looking at him in the eyes.

 

“I'm sorry, Stiles.” he meant it. So much.

 

“Don't be ! I mean I feel like I should be the one saying that. You're the one having one hell of a shitty day, you deserved to go out and just let it go. I fucked up, and I don't even know how it happened. That's the most infuriating feeling.” She could feel the anger boiling in her.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it ?”

 

“Do _you_ ?” Stiles replied quickly and full of hope. “You know, we could do the you-tell-me-I-tell-you kinda thing. It could work.”

 

“Yeah, I guess we could try.” _Why not ?_ He thought. _Wasn't he as fucked up as she was, if not more ?_

 

“Cool. And dude, next time you wanna get laid, just bring them in here. It's still your place. I'll buy some ear plugs or whatever. I don't want to feel like I'm cock-blocking you.” She winked at him before getting up to fetch a glass of water. Drooling so much must have dehydrated her !

 

“Yeah, we'll see about that !” his lips crooking into a smile he didn't want to show.

Derek turned his attention back to the TV but was thinking about what she had suggested. Talking to each other about their past. He had never done that before and it sounded terrifying. It sounded like something he could do ... with Stiles.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning : a small public sex scene BUT no witness and no voyeurism. I thought I should precise :)

 

### May 2008 -

Everything was going so great with Lydia. They had gone out a few times to the movies, shopping (Lydia's favorite hobby, not that Stiles minded when it was lingerie !), to the skate-park, they even went bowling with Derek. Those had been real dates, which meant there was a lot of kissing and even more touching, but still no sex. Stiles' libido was going nuts. She had been masturbating every day for weeks now. She just wanted to put her fingers in Lydia's vagina, not hers !  _Could someone blame her for that ?!_

 

“I need to fuck, like right now.” She said one evening very seriously as Derek and her were eating.

 

The guy just choked on his pastas. Gross. He had to drink his glass of water bottoms up before breathing again.

 

“Well, there's nothing much I can do for you.” ( _So inappropriate, he didn't mean it like that !_ ) “I mean, it's not like I could talk Lydia into sleeping with you. I thought everything was good between you two.”

 

“It is ! It's just I don't want her to think I'm only after her body, you see ! I mean she is like an 11 and I'm a 4 in my good days, I feel so lucky she wants to be with me. What if she just don't want to take it to the next step ?”

 

“Wow, stop your insecurities right there, sunny girl ! She digs you ! I can tell because every time we went out together, I felt like she was just waiting for me to disappear so she could have you for herself. I swear to you, this girl wants to get in your pants.” He didn't insist on the fact that she definitely wasn't a 4 because it was a lost fight already and it was kind of inappropriate (again).

 

“Maybe. But I feel like I'm leading her on.” she added thoughtful.

 

“You still haven't told her about you ?”

 

“I'm bad, right. I'm just not ready for her to reject me. And I don't want to sleep with her if it means she'll be sleeping with a person she barely knows. Argh, I going crazy, and I need to get laid !”

Derek stared at her for a bit.

 “You know, even if she doesn't know about your past, about you, it doesn't mean she doesn't know _you_. She wouldn't be sleeping with a stranger.”

 

Stiles thought about that for a bit. He wasn't wrong. She looked at him and said “we never really started our little game.”

 

“I guess we didn't.” Derek had never forgotten about their agreement, and maybe he had been wishing for her to never mention it again.  _Not happening apparently_.

 

“Derek, my man. You know, if you don't want to talk about really heavy shit, you can start small, like what happened to you and Danny for example.” She went and settled herself next to him on the couch. Eyes fixed on him.

 

“Danny, huh ? I was wondering when you would bring him up.”

 

“I'm sorry I'm interested in your love life.” She said in fake indignation. “Or was it only a sex thing ?'

 

“I'm not talking to you about my sex li...”

 

“Not yet !” She interrupted.

 

“Whatever. What do you wanna know ?” he was defeated even before starting the fight.  

 

“Hum, everything, duh !”

 

“Well, there's not much to tell. We met about 2 years ago at club and hit it off really fast, I guess. We liked the same stuff and the guy is clearly hot as you remarked  _repeatedly_. We never talked about it, but we were exclusive so you could say we were in a relationship. And then, about 1 year ago, it ended.”

 

“What happened ?” Stiles asked but she had a pretty definite idea of what must have happened. It wasn't that hard to do the math. Derek's eyes met hers and her whole body shivered.

 

“My sister.” he lowered his gaze on his hands. “Overdose. Suicide. from what they said. My sister killed herself and I couldn't fucking deal with it. I started having mood swings again and I almost relapsed after 4 years of being clean. Dr Deaton and Peter helped me go through this, but I had to let Danny go. I couldn't bring him down with me. Well, point is I didn't relapse and I'm pretty proud to celebrate my 5th year in May. Or else, we wouldn't have met, would we.”  
He had a small smile. Such a sad small smile. Stiles wanted to ask more about his sister, what kind of addition he had had (she knew he had a past but that was it), why wasn't he with his family to grieve … she wanted to ask so many things, but above all, she wanted to hug him. Make him feel safe again. She didn't. Instead, she started talking. That's what she did best.

 

“When my dad died, I was sent in a foster family. I was 13. They had strict rules and a mean 6 y.o but it wasn't that bad.  
About 8 months after I had started living with them, I met this girl at school, Emily. She was the new neighboors' daughter. She was cute, funny and as witty as a 13 y.o girl could be. At that time, I didn't know I liked girls. I mean I never took the time to question it. But I just knew I wanted to be with her, play with her hair, hold her hand and kiss her. One day we were just the 2 of us in her room and she came onto me. She put her hands on my eyes and told me to pretend she was a boy. Obviously, I didn't have to pretend anything. Then, she kissed me. It was so great, I thought my head was gonna explode. She took my hands and put them on her little boobs, still kissing me.  _THAT_ 's when her mom entered the room. She rushed over her daughter and slapped me on the cheek crying, calling me the devil. I ran home and hid in my room, but Emily's mom came to talk to my fosters and everything went down from there. I was called downstairs and when asked about what happened, Emily pointed at me saying I had forced her to let me touch her. It felt like a knife twisting my guts from the inside. I couldn't even defend myself because I didn't know what I had done wrong and I couldn't understand why Emily would lie.  _Now I do understand though_. Anyway, my foster parents stopped talking to me, litterally, and I was forbiden to enter the bathroom when a woman was in it. I wasn't allowed to go near their daughter if no adults were present at the same time in the same room… and so and so.” She laughed sadly. “One day I remember going to school when one of Emily's friend came in front of me and spat in my face. Everybody started laughing and Emily just turned her back and went away. Going out as a lesbian was kinda hard for me, shame was all I felt for a long time.  _Hence_ , all my questions about your 'bisexuality'. If I were to realize I loved guys too … that'd fuck me up pretty bad !”

 

Derek had listened to her and just didn't know if he wanted to smash everything around him by pure hatred of humankind or if he wanted to hug her to never let her go, to protect her forever. Both sounded good. He decided questions would be an alternative for now.

 “I know about your mom, it's in your file. Sorry, I had to read it. Nothing was mentioned about your problem with your foster family … except that you ran away. You reappear in the system only in october 2007 when you went in rehab. It's about a 16 months gap.  I just have to ask ...”

 

“Youth shelters. Mostly.” she had brushed the subject of her time as a homeless teen in rehab, but never detailed. She wasn't going to start tonight. And there was not much to tell. Those months as a nomad had been more bearable than ... She just didn't want to think about it.

 

“God, Stiles. Why didn't you ask for help sooner ?” He knew he had made a mistake the moment he saw her eyes go wild.

 

“Help ? From whom ? The people who put me in that fucking prison in the first place ? All the bigots surrounding me ? All the judgemental pricks ? When I asked the social worker in charge of me at the time to go and talk to my fosters to make them change their attitude, you know what she said ? 'I'll see what I can do but in the meantime just repress your urges.'. What am I, some kind of animal ? some sex maniac ? I was 13 for God's sake !  _urges_ , really!” she was scarlet angry, “ I waited for more than a year, _a year_ , Derek, but nothing changed, nobody came. Noone ever comes anyway. The only people who took care of me since my parents died were some homeless drunkards and junkies. Society tells you who good people are, who you should go to for help, but it's just bullshit. Just leave it.” She stormed away into her room, slamming the door, not wanting to cry in front of him.

 

Derek just sat there, helpless.  _What a fucking idiot he was._ Of course she had asked for help, she had been a kid at the time, so she naturally had placed her faith in a  _trusting_  adult. And now, she didn't trust anyone. He had read her mother had died from some kind of dementia when the girl was 7 and her father got shot on the job. Stiles had no choice but to be a mess.  _Who wouldn't ?_  He was angry with himself and only going for a run could calm him down he knew, but it was not an option, not with Stiles so vulnerable right now.

 

She was lying on her bed, eyes wide open and fixed on the window. She knew if she closed her eyes, she would see her dad a glass of Whisky in hand, her mom smiling sadly lying about her health, Emily turning her back, those people silently torturing her, everybody judging her … She heard a light knock on the door and a swift noise as it was being opened. He came to sit on her bed. She could hear him breath heavily and felt her anger fade away. Her vision started to blur as tears rolled down her cheeks silently. Derek was now lying down next to her. He wasn't touching her or anything but just having a warm body beside her made her feel more secure, protected. She rolled over, to face him. He was on his back, staring at the ceiling. She buried her face in his armpit and started crying no sound leaving her mouth. He wrapped his arm around her, the palm of his hand stroking her hair.

 

She woke up alone in the bed. She couldn't believe she had told him so much of what had happened. It was the first time she had told anybody. At first she hadn't been sure what she wanted to tell him but then words started flowing out of her mouth and she revealed herself almost entirely in front of him. She felt strangely calm about it. Eased. Someone knew. Derek knew.

She could hear the TV before opening her door, it made her smile softly. Derek was sitting at the kitchen table eating his breakfast. He had prepared her bowl and spoon on her usual spot.

 

“ 'morning. What time is it ?”

 

“Around 6. Did I wake you ?”

 

“ Nope. I had to get up eventually.” She went to get her coffee and pour herself a big cup before sitting down on Derek's right.

 

“ I'll be home around 3 as usual, but if you want me to take the day off ...”

 

“ No, no, no ! I definitely don't want that. I start my shift around 11 today anyway. And I feel way better than I did yesterday. Don't worry about me!” she tried to look as convincing as possible. She did feel better.

 

“ I do worry about you, especially when you're about to put your Frosties in your coffee.” He said half smiling.

 

“Oh, Shit ! Well, it IS 6 in the morning, you can't expect me to be operational..” She started laughing and yawning at the same time. “Why on earth did you choose to take the early shift at the preserve ? Even if I weren't there to ruin your social life, you wouldn't be able to go clubbing with work so early the next morning !”

 

“ I'm an early morning person.” It was the truth, but he didn't tell her the real reason is so he could be home every afternoon if she ever needed help. Stiles felt guilty easily enough.

 

“ Lydia and I are gonna go see the rom-com that was released a few weeks ago on Saturday. Do you think I can bring her over after. Isaac, her flatmate, is having some kind of party at their place and she doesn't feel like sleeping over there. There's gonna be a lot of people from what I heard.” She wasn't sure he would agree. He had said no sleep-overs , after-all. Plus, with what had happened the night before, it was already a lost cause.

 

Derek didn't want to agree to that, he thought it was way too soon in regards of yesterday. But he also didn't want her to feel like he wasn't trusting her. He was.

 

“ Why not. Just don't forget we have your meeting at 9:30 the day after.” He hoped he wasn't making a mistake. He didn't want to upset her by being a control freak, and  _THAT_  that wasn't good.

 

“Seriously ?! You're the best, Daddy Boy! I promise no sex at top volume”. She winked at him before devouring her cereals.

 

_Not good at all !_

 

**---**

 

Lydia was wearing a light purple dress and pretty high heels. She had braided her hair and put it in a headband that framed her face in a lovely way. Her pink lipstick made it hard for Stiles to keep herself form kissing her. They were seated in the theater, waiting for the movie to start. Nobody else was here. It was either a shitty movie or it had been released too long ago already. Both turned out to be true. They were holding hands, finger intertwined as Stiles was making small soothing circles with her thumb in Lydia's palm when the commercials started.

They were half an hour in the movie when Stiles realized she was stroking Lydia's thigh, now. Her fingers touching lightly her bare skin, she wasn't wearing stockings.  _Lucky her_. She tried to keep her focus on the movie, but really, she wasn't even sure what it was about anymore. Lydia's gaze was fixed on the screen, but Stiles could see the smirk on her face. She took it as a sign she was doing ok. She leaned closer to her face, and the fruity smell of her perfume made Stiles go crazy. She just wanted to lick Lydia's body like she was some kind of sorbet.

 

“ I want you so bad.” She whispered in her ear, making the girl shiver and tilt her head baring her throat for Stiles. The girl lost the little control she had left in her.

 

She didn't need a second signal, before going for it. She brushed her lips against Lydia's neck, electricity going all the way down her spine. She licked lightly at first, and then more eagerly, a spot above the girl's collarbone. She knew it would leave a mark, and that's why she was doing it. Her mouth was still on Lydia when the girl's hand pushed Stiles' up her thigh. Way up her thigh. Taking the hint, Stiles started rubbing gently her fingers over Lydia's underwear. The girl was already wet but she could feel the effect the rubbing had on the redhead, becoming wetter and wetter. Lydia was breathing heavily when she started rocking her hips a little. Stiles could feel her own wetness growing. Not even remembering they were in a public place, she slid her fingers under Lydia's panties and kept rubbing the now bare lips, her thumb tapping her clit. Lydia turned her head as her mouth let a moan escape before crashing on Stiles'. A needy, wet kiss. It was messy but so good. When she put her finger easily in, Stiles made a dirty noise in Lydia's mouth. The girl was rocking her hips harder as Stiles was moving her fingers, inserting the second. It felt amazing. Lydia's hands had finished opening the buttons of the top of her dress, revealing her breast, Stiles couldn't wait any longer and with her other hand started massaging one of her boob. The position wasn't comfortable at all, but she didn't even care. Her mouth went to the nipple, playing with it with her teeth, gently but then not so much and Lydia's reaction almost made her come. “You're fucking amazing” Stiles whispered still licking and titillating the beautiful brown spot. Lydia came not long after in a long sexy moan, her hands tangled in Stiles' hair, her hips still rocking a bit while her whole body shivered. “Damn, that was great” the girl said kissing her languidly. Stiles got back to her place, head falling on the top of the seat looking at Lydia who was staring at her.

“You alright ? You want me to ?” The girl asked almost ready to pleasure Stiles any way she wanted in the minute.

In response, Stiles put her fingers to her mouth and started sucking them, tasting Lydia - a _nd god did she taste good -_ with a big smile. “ush, your such a tease. Come here.” Lydia laughed bringing her in a kiss.

 

**--**

 

“ So you live in here ? ” Lydia said throwing her purse on the couch. “Are you rich or something ?”

 

“No, my fam ...” fuck. Yeah. Derek. Uncle. It's been almost 5 months and she still wasn't used to the lie. “Well, my uncle has money, but I got nothing. Hence, me working at the diner.” As she finished her half-lie (she indeed had no money), Derek opened his door, eyes red and messy hair.

 

“Holy shit, you look like you just smoked the entirety of Beacon Hill's pot stash !” Stiles blurted out.

 

“Hi Mr Hale.” laughed the redhead.

 

“Hey girls.” He wasn't awake enough to answer to Stiles' shit. “I was trying to get some sleep.”

 

Stiles turning to Lydia “God helps, if he doesn't get his beauty sleep, the world will stop turning. Amirite, Der ?”

 

He gave her the finger while drinking a big glass of water. Stiles winked back with a grin before taking Lydia by the hand and leading her to her room.

 

 

**--**

 

_knock knock_. Something was moving beside Stiles, as she surfaced from a pretty vivid dream.  _Knock knock knock_.

 

“If you wanna have a chance to get a shower, you better rise and shine right now Stiles.” Derek said through the door.

 

“Arrrrrrrr. Shit, what time is it ?” She shouted as a hand came from behind her making her roll over and bringing her in a hug. “ I'd love a morning kiss, but morning breath is a mood killer.” she laughed. Lydia whined a bit before letting her go. She took some clothes and rushed to the bathroom, blowing a kiss to Derek who rolled his eyes in despair. But really he just wanted to laugh.

Lydia emerged from the room not long after already dressed, her hair falling on her shoulders.

 

“You could have taken a shower you know. I don't mind.” He said pointing the right cupboard for her to take what she needed out.

 

“Thanks but I'll take one later at my place. You have to go soon anyway, don't you ?” the redhead asked filling a cup with coffee.

 

“In half an hour, yeah.” He started to tense up a bit. The way she was now looking at him made him feel awkward. Stiles still hadn't told her about her past as far as he knew and he didn't want to blow her cover.

 

“From what part of the family or you again ?”

 

“Her mother's youngest brother.” Shit. He hoped he hadn't fucked up already.

 

“You said you weren't blood related the last time” Fuck. He had. That's why he didn't like lying …

 

One of her eyebrow had gone up and she was smiling in her cup. Derek understood she definitely suspected something, but it was not his place to tell.

 

“I was adopted.” WHAT? Couldn't he come up with a better lie ? A believable one at least ? He felt like a prey who had just been cornered by a predator. This girl was scary.

 

“Are you now ?” It was a rhetorical question, obviously. Silence fell on them as they kept drinking their coffee. They heard the bathroom door open downstairs. That's when Lydia said “She talks in her sleep, you know.” Her eyes were fixed on him and she had this look, like he was supposed to understand the hidden message behind her words. He didn't.

The redhead flicked her eyes toward the stairs as Stiles climbed the last few steps. Derek couldn't move his gaze from Lydia. His mind blank.  _In what way the fact that Stiles sleep talked should be important to him_?

 

“I like you in that hoodie” the girl said as she pulled Stiles, who had just reached them, in a kiss.

 

“Alright love birds, 10 more minutes” He said putting his stuff in the dishwasher before disappearing in his room, leaving the girls a bit of privacy and trying to escape Lydia's gaze.

 **--**

 

In the car, Stiles had been playing with the radio for 5 minutes before throwing herself back in her seat and sighing. Silence was never really a good sign with her, Derek knew that much.

“What is it ?” he dared asking finally.

As she settled to look at him, back against the passenger door, her knees folded in front of her on the seat (Derek had gotten mad the first time she did it, but now, really, he didn't even pay attention), she hesitated “How mad would you be if I did something stupid ?” That didn't sound good.

 

“How stupid are we talking about ?” was all he could go with, unable to tear his gaze off the road in front of them.

 

“Like the stupidest … maybe.” her voice almost a whisper.

 

Not even thinking too much into it, he replied “Well, it depends I guess … Stiles, what are we talking about ?” He finally glanced at her before putting his gaze back on the road. He still had the time to see her staring at him with void eyes, looking like she was calculating something. “Stiles ?”

 

“I think I wanna talk today.” seeing his I-don't-understand-frown she added “I wanna make a speech at the meeting.”

 

THAT was a surprise. Almost forgetting about the 'stupid thing she might do or have done' they were talking about seconds ago he cried out “That's great ! Yes, you definitely should do that ! I'm so glad you're taking another step toward recovery, Stiles. I'm really proud of you” and he really was. But the girl didn't seem to share his enthusiasm, a dim expression on her face, she turned to face the road, her face becoming paler, if that was even possible.

 

At the rehab center, about 20 minutes by car away from the town, Derek told Erica and Dr Deaton about Stiles intentions. They were both thrilled and Stiles could feel the bile going up in her throat. As the meeting was ending and when everybody that wanted to talk had, she heard her name.

“Thank you everybody for the wonderful support you give each other and for your amazing determination. Now, I think that one of our not-so-new-comer wants to share something with us. Stiles ?”  _the mediator always said stupid bullshit all the time, like they were all some kind of kids doing wonders that everybody should be praising them for. No, they were a bunch of messed up addicts and were struggling to get it the fuck together_. Or so, Stiles thought.

 

They were sitting in a big circle so everybody could see each other. And she had now about 40 heads turned her way waiting for her to say something. She glanced at Derek who was seating on her right giving her an encouraging smile that she tried to return. She stood up and stress left her completely. She understood she had to do it. She should have done it long before. She glanced one last time at Derek and could only hope he wouldn't hate her.

 

“Hi. My name is Stiles and I am an alcoholic.” it always felt weird to say it out loud, to admit it.

 

“Hello, Stiles.” everyone replied on one big voice. Frigging cliché.

 

“I'm turning 18 in November, and I started drinking ... excessively drinking a few years ago.” she snorted sadly “Actually almost 3 years ago. I was 14. I was only … freaking … fourteen. How messed up is that. I couldn't face a certain 'situation' and the only advice I got from a  _very wise_  person, actually the only person _talking_  to me at the time, was 'drink it up, like a grown up, shitface !', so I guess that's what I did.” they all looked a bit shocked and Stiles couldn't stand their pity. “Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to give you someone other than me to blame. I always had a choice. I chose wrong, obviously.” She took a deep breath because what she was about to say next was what she had dreaded to reveal for months now. “Anyway, I went to rehab and they got me this great guy on my right to help me put the pieces of what's left of my life together.” An other breath. “But in January when I first got here, I relapsed.”

 

Nobody said a word and she could feel Derek getting up so quickly he almost lost his balance, a startled look on his face. “What ?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm no writer and this is my first fanfic ever. I just had to get it out of my system !
> 
> If you have time, kudos and/or comments are always appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting it today because I won't be able to tomorrow. So yes, that's why.

 

After her big revelation, Stiles gave no explanation about why she had done it but added she hadn't drunk another drop of alcohol since then, and was 4 months & 19 days clean as for now. They all congratulated her for her honesty. _Really ?_

Derek hadn't said anything more than his startled 'what ?' after Stiles' speech. The shock that was the news had overpowered his anger, but now that they were on their way back in the car, he felt it boiling in him. He just wasn't sure who he was angrier at, her for lying to him, even by omission, or him for not seeing anything. They were driving in utter silence and he could sense Stiles moving about in her seat, uneased. He knew he couldn't talk to her just yet, or he would explode and spill everything on her and that wasn't a wise move; instead, he turned the radio on and it soothed a bit the air between them.

 

Albert just nodded at them as they passed the hallway but said nothing, the old man definitely felt the tension hanging around the two of them.

Once in the apartment, Derek locked himself in the bathroom, leaving Stiles alone and self loathing.

It was half an hour later when he emerged again and went sitting by Stiles' side in front of the TV still saying nothing.

 

“Are you throwing me out ?” She broke the silence for the first time since they had left the crime scene.

 

“What ?” was all he seemed able to say lately. _Come on Derek !  
_ After he got a hold of himself, he finally said “Of course, I'm not throwing you out ! Why would I … Why would you think I would do that ?” _Was he making any sense at all ?_ “I'm just … I … I thought you trusted me. I thought we talked. I'm upset and angry, yes, but at myself. For failing you.”

 

“You didn't fail me !!” she interrupted him. “In absolutely NO way !” she paused before continuing “ It was not long after I got here. I was at the diner for my second test-shift. It was a busy evening. And I was doing alright. I was having a good time, really. I was clearing one of the table,putting the dishes away, and one of the guy hadn't finished his Scotch. When I went to put everything in the kitchen, I found myself alone and it kinda just happened. I wasn't feeling lonely or hurt or in distress. I had no fucking reason to do it, Derek. But I did. I drank the freaking thing. It happened so fast. I regretted it the moment it was over, but it doesn't matter it was done. I failed myself and I fooled you. Talk about wrong choices, huh ?”

 

“ Why didn't you come to me ?” his face showed the hurt he was feeling in that moment. He knew what it was like but he needed her to explain it to him he needed her to talk to him. Because God knows if she talked a lot, but it was always mostly some gibberish or verbal diarrhea, never anything that mattered.

 

“God, I was ashamed. And the more I waited, the less I found it in me to tell you or anyone else. And then, they were all pressuring me to make a 6 months celebration speech and I felt like such a fraud. I felt like a lying bastard and everything was so good between us, I didn't want to ruin it by admitting what I had done.” she wasn't crying. She didn't deserve to cry anyway. She was the one who had done wrong and deserved no compassion or forgiveness.

 

“Listen Stiles, I want you to feel like you can talk to me about anything, no matter how horrible you think it is, no matter if you think I will be disappointed or want to throw you out, because I won't. I might be upset or angry about stuff you do wrong or not, but I'm never ever giving up on you. I know how I said I wouldn't be your friend, and I shouldn't be, because it clouds my judgement, but I think we make a pretty good pair, don't you ?” He smiled at her, brushing a lock of hair from her cheek with his thumb. She simply nodded back.

 

That night, Derek couldn't find his sleep and had been rolling over and over under the sheets, putting himself in every comfortable position he knew, without success. Once he had settled on his right side for the third time, he heard a soft noise and saw a silhouette when he looked back to the door. The shadow came closer and hopped on the bed slowly. Stiles then nested her head into Derek's neck forcing him to lay on his back, and fisted her left hand onto his shirt. “Just for a bit.” she whispered.

 

### September 2008 -

  


Derek woke up his arm sore and his legs tangled with Stiles'. The 'just for a bit' turned out to be more of a twice or thrice a week kind of thing. Even though he knew how inappropriate it was, he didn't find it in him to care, at all. After-all, Stiles was gay and only saw some sort of brother/father/friend figure in him, so if any ambiguity existed it was on Derek's side and it was only because he had an adult-perverted-by-society mind. That's why he had chosen to brush any of that away and just take those nights as they were, Stiles looking for comfort and warmth and him willing to provide it. _Keep your judgmental opinion to yourself._

 

What was bugging Derek, however, were the nightmares Stiles had. Lydia was right, the kid did speak in her sleep, and sometimes it was terrifying.  
She didn't have them every night but in four months it happened more than he could remember. He heard his name a few times in all her ramblings and even though he couldn't make out everything she mumbled, she was mostly apologizing about some unknown thing.  
Some nightmares were worse, though.  
One night, in July, she had been so agitated in her sleep Derek thought she was actually awake and joking around, but when he saw her contracted face, sweat pearling on her forehead, he had frozen not knowing what to do. That's when she cried out very distinctly “Don't. Don't. I can't. Not anymore. Talk to me ! Yell ! Hit me ! Just look at me !” She started crying while still asleep “Talk to me please. Stop the silence.” Derek hugged her in a tight embrace and whispered things he didn't even remember, things that most likely didn't make sense, but he talked to her sleeping-self for hours.

The next morning, Stiles hadn't hinted that she was aware of what had happened the night before, so Derek never mentioned it to her.

 

Untangling his legs from Stiles', he got up and managed to get himself to the coffee maker without waking her. Rubbing his face with his hands, he thought about the day to come. Judging by the sun shining bright through the window, they were getting a nice Saturday again. They had a sweet summer and even though it had been quiet, quite a lot had happened.

Still daydreaming, he heard the [_Pretty woman_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PLq0_7k1jk) theme song starting to play and as he looked up to where the song came from, he saw Stiles leaning on his bedroom's door's frame in a trying-to-be-sexy-but-really-funny kind of pose.

“Pretty woman, walking down the street, Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet … Pretty woman ...” she started singing with the song and dance-walking over to him, a big smile on her face. He rolled his eyes as she took his hand, stared at him and said “Mercy”. She didn't even need to persuade him to make her dance, she just had to pull him off his chair and even that, he did voluntarily.

She had learned he was a good dancer around the same time she'd discovered the Pretty woman movie for the first time on TV, about a month ago and the combo had been pretty explosive ever since. She had made him buy the DVD, the one with the complete soundtrack CD in it, so she could play it over and over and over …. and over again. And every time, she would ask him to dance with her. And every time, he would make a face, but really ... he didn't mind.

Since summer had started, she'd been having some big mood swings (not in a bipolar way but in a person-going-through-rehab way, he had checked with Deaton and Erica because the first times were pretty scary to him.). Some days were really dark, so whenever she woke up smiling was a relief.

 

“Sooo, how is my birthday boy feeling ?” she asked jumping on his back, the song having just ended. He had always been very tactile with his family, so the fact that Stiles was with him, didn't bug him. _And it's not like they didn't hug themselves to sleep anyway !_

 

“I knew I shouldn't have told you. You didn't do anything right ?” he asked a bit anxious. She had harassed him for weeks before he surrendered and told her his birth date. He'd prayed she wouldn't act on it.

 

“Nope, I didn't. Don't worry Der. I just took the liberty to invite Danny over.” seeing his shocked face, she hurried “I didn't tell him why exactly. Just that it would be fun, to hang out together … and that I wanted to make the supposedly-last BBQ of the year on the roof ... which is a total lie, because it won't be the last of the year, I'll definitely still make you burn meat for me in mid December, under the snow, in nothing but an apron and boots !”

 

His eyebrows raising in half-surprise (Nothing was entirely surprising anymore, with Stiles) “Am I your personal gigolo, now ? I think this is the wrong Richard Gere's movie.”

 

“Ha.Ha. You're such a funny man.” she pulled her tongue at him and went for coffee.

 

He and Danny had been seeing each other again since around July, when the latter had gone to eat at Melissa's and had met Stiles again. The moment she learned he was single, she had given him Derek's number (not asking if he still had it or not) and had convinced him to call or text him. A week later, Derek had had his first date in forever and Stiles had decided she should be called Emma from now on.

 

As she lit her first Lucky Strike of the day, Stiles glanced at him to see if he also wanted one.

 

She had started smoking again not long after her big revelation speech. Derek hadn't been too happy about that, but who was he to judge, he smocked too. She knew it was _replacing an addiction with another_ as Deaton said, but seriously, which one was worse ! Derek and her agreed they would never smoke more than 6 a day. He had wanted it to be 3 at first, but she negociated and got lucky with double. They also made the promise that when she would be ready, (stronger was what he meant) they would both try and quit. It'd made her think about the future and the fact that after she turned 18, she'd have to find her own place, Derek wouldn't be her guardian anymore. She quickly brushed those thoughts away not wanting to stress over things she couldn't control whatsoever.

 

He received the cigarette she gave him and got back to his coffee.

 

“Soooo, here you go.” Stiles handed him a big box she had obviously gift-wrapped herself.

He knew she would do or buy something for him, because that's who she was, but still, his cheeks and ears blushed.

“That's not much, but I hope you'll like it.” She said, anticipation in her voice.

Opening the box, his eyes grew wide as he first spotted the baseball cap in it. 'Derek' hand-embroidered on the back.

“I noticed yours was like really ancient, so, yeah, that's how I got the idea. And for the ball, I got it signed by some of your ex-teammates, the last time you took me to see one of the UCI Alumni games.”

With almost teary eyes, he looked at her, not knowing what to say, not even knowing if he could still talk. He could see she was waiting for his reaction, her ears a little pinker than usual.

“hum, hum, Stiles … it's … that's amazing. I don't know what to say. Did you embroider that yourself ?” he asked holding the cap on his hands like it was some priceless treasure.

 

“You can tell ?” looking a bit disappointed “I'd never done anything needle-work related before, so I think it's not all that bad for a first.”

 

“It definitely isn't ! I'm speechless. Seriously, I can't say anything that would even remotely express the way I feel ...”

 

A big smile cracking her face, she took the cap, put it backwards on his head and pecked his cheek “Just say thank you, you emotional dummy.” , before going back to her seat.

 

**--**

 

It smelled so good Stiles wondered how she hadn't already jumped out of her chair to eat every damn grilling steak. _She loved grilled meat, okay_ . Maybe the fact that Derek was the grill's living shield, right now, was one, if not the only, reason. He had been eyeing her since he had started the fire … _he knew her too well, damn it_.

 

“Come on Der, Danny is starving right next to me. I don't want to witness his death by lack of yummy meat. I'm too young for that !” She pleaded.

 

“That would have been a good move, if I wasn't a vegan.” the Hawaiian boy spoke, a devilish-but-adorable grin on his face.

 

“What ????” Derek laughed at Stiles' incomprehension “I don't think I can see you anymore Danny ! ... So you're one of those opposite-attracts couple.” She paused. “The wolf and the lamb.” She looked between the two of them goofing at each other and added. “I'm still not sure who's the bottom, though.” and she stuffed some garlic bread in her mouth while the two boys choked on their own spit, surprised. _Stiles loved her mind_. _And her mouth from times to times_.

 

“Stiles, seriously ? Inappropriate much ?” Derek scolded her.

 

“Oh, don't be such a prude Daddy boy, I'm turning 18 in about 2 months. Don't think sex is an unknown thing to me.” ' _Only 2 frigging months left._ ' she thought, a clenched heart in her chest, but let nothing show.

 

“I know very well how your sex life isn't one of your most taboo subject, but mine should be. Danny stop laughing already, you're ruining my point !” Derek didn't find in him to be mad or shocked for real. This was nice. More than nice. It felt like the family diners he used to have. With less people, obviously, but as heartwarming and comfortable.

 

“Where's Lydia ? She doin' fine ?” Danny asked her after they had all calmed down a little.

 

“Oh, she's super fine, judging by her text this morning. She is in Phoenix for the week-end to the wedding of her bff Allison. I was also invited, but big parties aren't really my thing anymore.” When Lydia had invited her, she had to tell her about her _conflicted_ relationship with alcohol, but didn't give any details. Lydia had smiled to her and just replied 'okay' without asking for any explanation. _Wasn't she the best person ever ?  
_ “Too bad because it's actually gonna be quite the event, since Kira, Allison's fiancee, had to overcome her family's objections. A cultural thing from what I understood. Anyway, she's fine, I'm fine. Everybody's fine and true love always win.” she joked.

 

“Are you guys still together ?” Danny regretted his question the moment he felt Derek glaring at him with a why-the-holy-hell-would-you-ask-that kind of expression on his face. “Um, I mean, I didn't want to … I was just ...”

 

“Hey, don't worry about it !” She smiled genuinely at him. “We're not together _together_ anymore. I had and still have things to deal with on my own, sooo …. yah … I'm not sure what we are actually, but I'm definitely, a 100%, totally certain we are really good friends. Lesbros rule ! Plus, my buddy Derek over there, the one shielding the food from me, happens to be MY bff and can comfort me whenever I have my lonely break downs. Right, Daddy Boy ?” Derek nodded, before focusing on the grill again and Stiles threw another conversation subject to ease the little bit of tension left in the air.

 

It was Stiles who had put a stop to her romantic relationship with Lydia. She had to sort herself out before starting anything new, if she ever wanted it to work. As always, Lydia had agreed and smiled at Stiles like she understood, and except for the no-sex part, nothing had changed between the two girls. They were even closer than ever. It didn't change the fact that Stiles was very much attracted to the redhead and she did fear the day when she would see the girl with someone else.

 

Finishing the last piece of meat in her plate and looking at her watch, “My dear boys, as much as I love being your third wheel” two pairs of eyebrows raised in sync “ and as much as making my Der uncomfortable makes me feel like an accomplished lady, I have to ditch you and go see my buddies. Since Lydia isn't there, Isaac, our poor lonesome cowboy, invited Scott and me to play some video games all night long.” she paused for a bit “ I do think though, that I'm gonna sink another ship tonight, since I'm pretty sure something's going on _or in”_ she winked “between those two as well. I foresee that the Emma in me will strike again soon. Anyway, see ya Bitches.”

 

“Language !” Derek warned still smirking. He loved how she always wanted to make things work between people but it also hurt to know it was her way to avoid her own problems. He still didn't know how to broach this subject with her. They hadn't really talked about her break up with Lydia and even though it hadn't been a bad one, he knew she was hurting.

 

“See you tomorrow for lunch Danny.” Stile blew them a kiss and disappeared behind the now-closing fire door.

 

Derek was still staring at the door when Danny broke the silence “So she thinks we're sleeping together, huh ?”

 

That took him aback, so Derek went for the easy and dumb answer “Hum, aren't we ? … sleeping together.”

 

“Yeah, I guess  _technically_ we are, but I meant fucking, actually.” one of the man eyebrow raised in a what-game-are-we-playing-at kind of way.

 

“We fuck !” Derek's voice came out higher than he had meant to.

 

“We fuck _ed_ , yes, a few months ago when we started going out again. But not anymore, Derek. I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong, I like a good bromance. I just don't want you to delude yourself. I like you, a lot, really and I like spending time with you … and with Stiles, she's a funny kid. But let's face it, either we are facing the male version of the 'lesbian death bed' – and seriously it hasn't been long enough for us to come to that – or I have a deficient memory and I can't remember all the great sex we've been having for months … In both cases, we have a problem.” As Derek just stared at him not knowing what to say, they stayed like that in silence for what felt like an eternity before Danny broke it again “When did you realize ?”

 

His question snatched Derek from his thoughts. Not wanting to understand the meaning of it, played it dumb, _again_.

“Realize what ?” his tone harsher than he'd meant to.

 

A sad smile twitched Danny's mouth before disappearing “I like your cap. It suits you.”

 

Derek grabbed the cap from his head and put it on the table in a quick motion, like a kid being caught red-handed doing something forbidden. His heart was going to jump out of his chest, he was sure. “How … how long have you …”

 

“Not that long.” Silence fell back on the both of them. “I'm gonna start seeing other people, Derek.”

 

Derek's heart sank a little more into his stomach. “Okay.” he gulped “Can you stay the night ?” He felt utterly weak in this moment and he was certain he looked so.

 

“Of course.” Danny smiled a real heart warming smile. “So ? Queer as folk season 1 and tons of ice cream ?” Derek mirrored his smile putting the lid back on the grill.

 

**--**

 

“It smells fucking good up there !” They could here her scream from downstairs. “Don't tell me it's Danny cooking ! Just kidding, _do_ tell me it's him ! He's my brunch God !” Stiles hurried up the stairs, a bright smile lighting the room when she saw it was actually the Hawaiian who was frying perfectly crispy bacon in the pan. “Yes ! I mean, don't take it personally Der, but Danny's bacon … mouth watering already !”

 

She directed herself towards the couch and crashed on it, putting her head on Derek's laps. A quick look was exchanged between the two men before he stared down at her. “Do you mind, I'm trying to drink my coffee !”

 

“Hey, you got up on the wrong side of the bed or what ?”

 

“No, but I don't want to pay for your plastic surgery after I accidentally, or not, burn you by spilling my lava-hot coffee on your face.” he said rolling his eyes. Maybe he voiced it harsher than what was necessary, but he was suddenly self conscience about his every move and he didn't want Danny to think he was some kind of pervert.

 

“Ow, come on. Don't be so dramatic, big guy !” She didn't look or sound like she was aware of the internal struggle Derek was having.

 

“She's right Derek, you can be such a Drama Queen sometimes, just chill.” the cook said from across the kitchen. Derek knew it was a way of telling him to really chill, not to change his habits with her, that he wasn't being judged, and it did help him relax.

 

“Noisy brats.” he mumbled in his cup as Stiles' laugh resonated from his thighs throughout his whole body.

 

“Well, I'm gonna go you two.” Danny said after putting the plate full of bacon on the table.

 

“Already ? But you didn't eat anything ?” Stiles cried childishly.

 

“I've got stuff to do. Don't worry, you'll see my face again soon enough.” he smiled at the two of them, before kissing each of them on the forehead and left.

 

Not so long after, the mountain of bacon had disappeared in their stomach, only a greasy plate left, and Stiles was once again spread all over the couch her head wedged on Derek's laps “I'm so full … I don't think I'll be able to move in the next few years to come.” Derek grinned, obviously as full as she was. “Derek ?” he looked down at her. “Would you bring me to the preserve with you one day ? I want to see where you work, and I've read so many fascinating stuffs about wolves since I know you, I'm overly curious. Plus, you already know where I work, so it's only fair you show me _your_ work place !”

 

“I wasn't aware we are playing the you show me yours, I show you mine game ?” _Nice choice of joke Derek_ _!_

 

“Come on, don't be a jerk, you know what I mean.” she pouted.

 

“Yeah, that'd be nice. I'll talk to Boyd to see when we're releasing Frida. She is fully healed now, but we still have to check a few things before we release her. That wouldn't be too boring for you to watch, I guess.”

 

“Boring or not, I don't really care, but honestly, I don't see how your work could ever be boring ! But thanks, I'm really excited about it.”  
Stiles had been thinking more and more about her coming birthday and the fact that she had to decide things about her future. I mean everyone talked about the future but when you had to make decisions, you reached a whole new level of scary. She had been thinking for a while about going back to school or finding a job where she could learn, well, _on the job_ .  
Then, she had started reading all those books, articles and websites about wolves and wolf preservation and she really got into it. Then yesterday, as she was talking to Scott and Isaac about that, they had both told her, first, that she was stupid, and secondly, that she just had to ask Derek to show her around the preserve and all, in order to get a better idea if this was what she wanted to do, _duh_.

Truth is she'd already thought about asking Derek, but never had the guts to. Why though, she couldn't say.

What she hadn't told her friends was the other reason why she wanted to work at the preserve : keeping Derek in her life even after leaving his house.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, I'm re-watching the Fosters season 1 and it gives me so many feels, I'm pretty sure that's gonna show in the fics sooner or later.  
> Anyway, I put a link in the notes of Chapter 1 to the playlist I'm listening to while writing. Feel free to listen to it. One of the best soundtrack I know. (except for Supernatural *-*)

 

 

### October 2008 -

  


“Hi Boyd.” Derek greeted a a tall black guy, built as strongly as he was himself, but a few inches taller. “This is Stiles. The one I told you about.”

 

“So, you are the infamous Stiles. Pleased to meet you. You don't look half as scary as he described you to be.” Stiles shook the hand he presented her and before she could say anything witty, Derek replied “Well, you don't live with the girl !” Boyd's laugh burst out loudly, and she felt warmth her wholly.

 

Derek had to work on something so his boss showed her around in his stead.  
She met many of the wolves Derek had talked about back home, Susie, Fred, Thor, Lucky, Bernard ( _despite the name, that one was pretty bad ass_ ) … He explained to her the procedures they had to follow and the formalities they had to go through each time they took in a new wolf. He summed up a typical low level employee's day at the preserve. He also introduced her to the veterinarian Dr Deaton.

_Wait  what ?_

“What the holy fucking hell are you doing here ?” She couldn't help but let her mouth speak her mind freely in complete incomprehension.

 

“Do we know each other ?” the vet asked looking a bit confused.

 

Her eyebrows betrayed way too obviously her inability to grasp what was happening. W _hat was happening? Parallel universe ?  
_ “Huh, I know you as Dr Deaton from the BH Clinic, but I'm not sure of anything anymore.”

 

“Oh, I see. That's the problem when you and your twin brother are both doctors. You must be acquainted with Dr.  _Alan_ Deaton, my brother, as you guessed. I am Richard.” He gave her a soft smile and a hand to shake.

 

“Ok, that makes more sense ! 'cause as much as I love supernatural stuff and Doctor Who, that would have not been ok ! Anyway, Hi, I'm Stiles !” She replied, her heart still racing crazily.

 

“Isn't your brother working at the rehab ...” Boyd started but was immediately interrupted by the vet who was still smiling “Yes, he is.”

 

Stiles wasn't stupid enough not to understand they now both knew why she was familiar with Richard's twin. _Great ! There went her chance to ever get a job here. Just perfect !_

 

Trying to forget about the upsetting event from earlier, Stiles asked tons of questions about preservation laws, when and why they started reintroducing wolves in California, about the different breeds of wolves, why almost none of them had a unicolor fur … She also broached the wolf mythology subject and the guy looked genuinely interested.

After about an hour and a half of non-stop talking, Boyd changed the subject a bit abruptly.  
“I heard from Derek you work as a waitress at Melissa's. I know the place well.” he smiled at her. This guy had really one of the biggest smile she had ever seen. It was great to be on the receiving hand. “Do you plan on working there for a while ?”

 

Stiles didn't see how his question was relevant after all the intense talk they had had, but she reckoned he was trying a bit of small talk while waiting for Derek. “Until I figure out what to do next, I guess so.”

 

“One of our trainee is transferring to another preserve in the north, so we have an opening starting from January. Would you be interested ?” The man looked serious, but Stiles couldn't get what he just said. _He was aware that she had gone to rehab, obviously, and she had no animal-related work experience_ … _Why would he ask her that ?_   _Maybe he didn't know what a rehab center was for ? ... unlikely. Or maybe it was an act of pity. She was hoping not._

 

“huh, you look serious, are you serious ?” yep, her brain was officially off duty.

 

“Yes, I am.” He chuckled. “I understand my proposition may sound sudden, but Derek often tells me about your great interest in what he does and meeting you today, I think you'd do a good job here. You have the basic knowledge, which we can complete during your training, and you obviously care, you have empathy. That's the only things you need here. You can think about it. I'm not asking for an answer now. You can talk it over with Derek.”

 _Was this real ?_ Stiles felt like she was floating. Every pieces were falling into places and she didn't have to try hard to make it happen. It felt unreal.

“Speaking of the devil ! Don't worry Derek, but I think I broke your girl here.”

 

“Did you ? I hope not too much, or I'm gonna have some problems with Erica.” her guardian joked.

 

The mention of Miss Reyes' name brought Stiles back. And as always she spoke without filtering “What the hell, you know Miss Reyes ?” turning to Boyd.

 

“Very well, I'd say. She is my fiancee.”

 

She rotated so fast, she almost fell off her chair, “what … how ?” eyes pleading Derek for an explanation. She felt like she was naked, like her cover had been blown away. _Was there anybody out there that didn't know what she was ? That didn't know she had problems ? Was it some kind of big joke to them ? Was everybody talking about her behind her back ?_

 

“Calm down !” Derek looked at her a bit alarmed, she hadn't noticed her heart rate had started going up again, until he put his hand on the nape of her neck, allowing her to relax in the touch. “Boyd knows about you because I told him I was gonna be taking care of an orphan teenager and I needed to change my schedule. It also happens that Boyd is in a relationship with the best and scariest social worker around here. I must have mentioned once or twice that she was the one taking care of your case. Nothing more.”

 

She had clearly over-reacted and felt ashamed. Derek didn't move his hand. “I'm sorry. I over-reacted. I just wasn't sure who I was supposed to be anymore, the stray you took in or your niece …” The truth is she had panicked for no real reason and it was happening more and more recently. _Weren't those reactions supposed to be gone after rehab ?  
_ “What a god damn small world.” she said trying to laugh, but still out of breath.

 

“Don't worry about it !” Boyd reassured her “I mean, your previous encounter with Dr Deaton's doppelganger and now, me and Erica, I understand your surprise. I would yell 'J'accuse' and blabber about conspiracy theory myself.” _Thank god for this guy's empathy !_

 

“Shit, I forgot to warn you about Richard !” Derek face-palmed himself.

 

“Well, I think we should call it a day. Stiles, thanks for coming and think about my offer.” he shook both their hands and went away.

 

Derek's hand on Stiles' neck hadn't moved when she turned over to him “I'm sorry I flipped out. I don't know what happened. When I met Dr Deaton earlier … well, the vet Deaton, I also lost it for a minute. It's like I can't keep a grip of myself. My reactions come out 10 times stronger than they should, and I can't seem to have any control over them. What's happening to me Derek ?” She was loosing it _again,_ just talking about it. “Am I having a hormonal break down ? I feel like I'm in rehab all over again. Derek. I'm scared. Am I bipolar ? I mean with my mood swings recently, that wouldn't be a surprise.”

Not knowing what to respond, he looked at her fondly and hooked an arm under her knees, the other wrapping her back and carried her to the car. She said nothing, even though she knew she was perfectly able to walk by herself. Luckily, no one had been there to witness this moment of weakness, they both allowed her to have.

 

Stiles fell asleep in no time on the way home. Derek relaxed the moment he heard her breath evenly. She had had what looked like an anxiety attack and it had been building up the whole morning from what he gathered, maybe even before that. He had noticed she had been over-sensitive lately but he hadn't paid much attention to it. Not his first mistake. _  
_

**--**

 

“Sweetheart, it's Erica, would you wake up for me ?” Stiles could hear the voices as she emerged from the darkness of her mind.

 

“Stiles, I need you to wake up for me.” Now, this voice she knew. Derek was stroking her hair, his thumb drawing circles on her forehead. “Stiles, Dr Deaton would like to talk to you. We need you to wake up.” She was trying pretty hard to wake up faster but she must have been really exhausted, her eyelids weighed a ton and her mouth didn't want to cooperate when she tried to say something. After a few other tries, she finally opened her eyes just half-way, but it was still better than nothing, and she managed to sit properly on the couch.

 

“Great, perfect ! Now, I don't want you to panic, but I'm gonna leave you here with Deaton, he wants to talk to you alone. I'll be on the roof and Erica's coming with me. If you need me, just call me. Here, your phone.” He handed her her phone.

 

Eyes still half closed, she managed to say “I'm half asleep, not stupid, dumbass.” She couldn't make it sound as sassy as she wanted but they got her point.

 

“She should be alright Derek.” Alan reassured him.

 

“I guess the ability to swear is a good sign of health.” he replied before disappearing downstairs.

 

 

“Stiles, it seems like it's just you and me here. I'm going to check your blood pressure, ok ? If you don't feel comfortable with anything I do, you tell me right away.”

Once he had done so, “Not too bad, it dropped significantly, but nothing to worry about, you had quite the emotional roller coaster today. From what I heard you met my brother, Richard. Beacon Hills is indeed a small town.”

 

She nodded acknowledging what the man was saying but too out of it to say anything.

 

**--**

 

“How are you doing Derek ?” the blond woman was looking at him concern in her eyes.

 

“I called you about Stiles, not me !”

 

“The well being of Stiles depends mostly on yours, so _how are you doing Derek_ ?”

 

“I'm fine. Seriously, I am. And I thought Stiles was doing better. I should have seen it coming.” He felt a bitter feeling that never really left his side, guilt.

 

“Anxiety attacks, more so in Stiles' case, can be triggered by the most insignificant, to us that is, detail. I don't think you could have prevented anything from happening, and it's not like she relapsed. She just has to work on her anxiety issues. Nothing to be worried about, I promise.” she put her hands on his to stop them fidgeting.

 

“I don't know. I mean we were doing alright. I thought we were. I should have called you sooner. I fucked up.” he looked so pityfull, he just wanted to slap himself in the face to make him man up.

 

“Don't be so hard on yourself, Derek. It's totally normal for Stiles to experience weak moments. She's still struggling with her addiction and I think Alan will find that her anxiety attack was amplified by hormones. Her body is starting to function like a normal teenage girl's one again. Her brain is trying to heal itself. This was not the only break down she's going to have. She still has a long way to go. Both of you have.” He nodded trying to look a bit more composed. “Did you talk about it ?” She asked knowing he would understand.

 

“I tried, but every time we start going down that road, she either end up crying or yelling. Isn't that your job, make her talk ?” he replied defeated.

 

“I tried a few times right before she went into rehab and then again, just before I sent her over here, but nothing. She would just stare at me totally mute. So I think the crying and the yelling is a pretty good step forward.”

 

“I don't want to push her too far. We could loose her again. She is still weak.” he rubbed both his hands over his face.

 

“She is stronger than you think. Crying is not a sign of weakness, it just means her emotions are started to leak out. You know you two share a strong bond, and if anyone can make her open up, I think it's you.”

 

“Yes. I know. I'll talk to her. I just don't want her to loose the trust she put in me.”

 

“I understand.” She paused. “ Just be careful Derek.”

 

“I always am.” He replied a small reassuring smile glued on his face.

 

“I don't want you to overlook your own issues taking care of someone else's. Just, take care of yourself.” she walked away in direction of the door, leaving Derek alone with his thoughts.

 

**--**

 

When he got back down to his place, Erica was here, on the couch, talking to Stiles who looked wide awake now. The pressure tightening his chest loosened a bit and he could feel his breath coming in and out more easily. 

 

“I gave her a little something to boost her. I'm going to need a blood test, but I'm sure she lacks at least D and C vitamins. Oh, and just in case she has a more violent 'episode', here is a light sedative if it's ever needed. Just to wait until I arrive.” Deaton gave him the little box he immediately put away in a drawer.

“So was it an anxiety attack ?”

 

“Yes, it was. But the good news is it was triggered by an increase of different hormones. She must have been very sensitive the past week, right ?” the doc asked.

 

“Yes, yeah, she was. How is that good news ?” he asked a tiny bit perplexed.

 

“Because it means Mother Nature is resuming her work.” Seeing that Derek was even more at a loss. “Her period has come back.”

 

“Oh.” Was all he could say. He hadn't thought of that !

 

“I can say now, I was a bit worried not to see her menstruation being self-regulated by now. It's not rare for women dealing with alcohol or drug abuse to have their body stop functioning correctly, more so if they loose weight like Stiles did, but soon after they enter rehab the body regulates itself quickly and naturally. I guess Stiles is just a late bloomer. Anyway, it's a very good sign.” the doc admitted, looking relieved.

 

Derek was reassured for a short time before wondering out loud “Should I go buy supplies now ? I never thought about any of that. I clearly have nothing here for her.”

 

“You should ask her before. I think it would be good for her to go with you. Seeing her body change is a big step towards recovery, and she knows it. Maybe she will want to go and buy everything herself.” Deaton suggested.

 

“You're right. I should ask her how she wanna deal with everything. I forget she's almost an adult most of the time.” Derek sighed.

 

“If she's not yet an adult, I can tell you she's not a child anymore, she hasn't been for a long time, Derek.” that said, the man put a steady hand on the guardian's shoulder and gave him a nod to make sure they understood each other well.

 

**--**

 

“I'll take that, and this box too. Oh look, there is a special offer over there; we should take those.” Stiles looked like a kid in a candy shop … Being in the period supplies aisle, people sure looked at her a bit confused.

 

As Derek was watching her pile up the boxes in the basket, he raised a questioning eyebrow “How many vaginas do you have, that you're gonna use so many ?!”

 

“It just … it feels good to ...” watching the mountain of boxes “Maybe I went a little overboard, yes.” She offered him a smile, and made a move to grab the extra tampons she wouldn't be needing when Derek stopped her.

“No, don't put them back. You'll be using those every month, so I guess, it's not a waste to buy so many. Especially if, there are special offers.” The last part was to tease her but he meant the rest … until he saw the 50$ bill and the interrogating look the cashier gave him … that was definitely excessive.

 

**--**

 

“You know how to use those, right ?” he asked dreading a negative answer. Not that he wouldn't be the perfect human interface of the tampons' user manual – he had lived with 2 teenage girls with no privacy boundaries whatsoever for a long time after-all -, he just didn't feel too comfortable doing so. Judging by the horrified look on her face, it wasn't going to be an issue.

 

“Derek, I've had my period before and it's not because I'm a lesbian that I don't know how to handle any phallic-shaped object near my vagina.” Now, it was his turn to be horrified. He had completely inappropriate images burned into his brain. _Not good_.

 

Changing the subject, he said “I'm glad, you're feeling better.” It was a plain thing to say, but it was the pure and unaltered truth.

 

When they were done eating, they crashed in the couch to get ready to marathon the season 1 of Buffy the Vampire slayer. Only a strong, beautiful blond -haired fighter and her goofy friends could lighten up any Tuesday night.

 

“I never could decide if I wanted to be Buffy, or to do Buffy. I'd tend to say the former but both sounds good.” She revealed taking the bag of pop-corns out of the micro-wave.

 

“I can tell you for sure it's the latter for me.” Derek replied looking shamelessly at the DVD's jacket.

 

“Now, that's just plain creepy.” she faked a horrified face. Truth be told, she didn't have to fake that much.

 

“Oh come on, you get to make sexual innuendos and talk about your sex life all the time. Give me a break when I slip once !”

 

“I don't mind you talking about your sex life, as long as it's with Danny.” she pulled out a big showing-teeth smile. “The simple fact of imagining you with a woman is _really_ weird.”

 

“Then, don't imagine it ! You pervert.” he stopped before continuing casually. “You know, Danny and I aren't together anymore.” seeing her mouth open in shock he added quickly. “Don't worry, we still hang out together, and the guy's definitely in love with your sass so he won't stop coming around. I just thought you should know.”

 

“Derek, man, you let escape the only decent man in this town ! I was wondering why he wasn't showing up as much anymore. Since when did you two … ?” She was a bit upset. She really liked Danny.

 

“Oh, not long ago ...” he wasn't really lying.

 

“You were dumped, weren't you ? You were totally dumped. That's why you didn't tell me sooner ! 'not saying I blame the guy, I mean you're no fun Derek !” she joked trying to cheer him up. “If we're dealing with break-up, we're gonna need ice-cream !”

Watching her run to the freezer made him smile. Yes, he could get used to this. The two of them, watching movies, talking about anything, eating junk food, trying to cheer each other up … this felt good, this felt like the intimacy only close family could have.

 

“I'm sorry you didn't get to see Frida's release today.” he said changing the subject as she came back with three ice-cream packs. _Over the top, as always_.

 

“No, it's cool. Nobody could predict the girl would get bitten by a snake. I just hope she'll be alright soon enough.”

 

“She should be. We treated her in time.”

 

She nested herself next to him. “I hope you're ready to get fat, because I am not putting any of those ice-creams back in the freezer ! They'll get lonely in there and the thought of it just makes me sad.”

He chuckled and dug his spoon in the chocolate chip cookie dough flavored box.Yes, he was the chocolate chip cookie dough kind of guy. And proud of it !

**--**

 

You know those nights when you get into your bed and you're positive you're never going to fall asleep no matter how sleepy you feel, but 30 seconds later your drooling into the arms of Morpheus … well, it wasn't one of those nights.  
She didn't know if this was the excessive amount of ice-cream she had gulped down or the 12 episodes they had watched in a row. _Yes, they had watched them all. About 8 hours. It was in preparation of their LOTR marathon … extended edition, of course_.

She was rolling back and forth next to Derek's inert body. That guy could sleep through anything. Or so she thought.

 

“Stiles, would you stop moving around. I'm starting to get seasick here.” he groaned.

 

“Sorry.” He hadn't opened his eyes, but she kept talking anyway. “So you're awake.”

 

“No.” He answered still not moving a muscle. Even his mouth looked like she wasn't moving as he talked.

 

“Good. I can't find my sleep.”

 

"No kidding.” Sarcasm was a good sign. It confirmed he was really awake and not sleep-talking. She could work with sarcastic sleepy Derek.

 

“Mr Boyd offered me a job today.” Now that made him open his eyes. “Well, it's just a trainee position, but still.”

 

He knew very well about this. He had placed ~~a lot of~~ a few good words about Stiles and her interest in the preserve when he'd heard a position would be available soon. “He did ? What did you say ?” he asked.

 

“That I'd think about it. I mean I figured I'd have to ask you first, because that means we'd be working together. Sometimes at least. I thought I should ask you if you didn't mind first.” She turned her head to look at him, even though her eyes could barely make out anything. “So it's me asking. Do you mind ?”

 

“Of course I don't. As long as you're excited about this, that's all that matters. You are excited, right ?”

 

“I'm ecstatic Derek. I can hardly wait until January.”

 

“Okay. 'thing's good then. Just one thing. Drop the 'Mr'. It makes me uncomfortable just thinking Boyd is not his first name.” He said and fell right back asleep. ' _Just like a baby_ ' she thought right before she blacked out herself.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter and the 5th were one single big chapter at first but I decided to split it in two. Go figure ...
> 
> Anyhow, since it's written and it's small, here you go. There's a little bit of embarrassment in the beginning but it's a real situation that occurred in my life, I just had to add it ^^
> 
> I think Chapter 7 will be my favorite so far ... we'll see.

 

### November 2008 -

 

As she was waking up, Stiles felt a bit uneasy below her belly button, some kind of wetness between her legs. She pushed Derek's arm off her chest and looked under the cover.

 _Yep, she was defining a new level of embarrassment_.

 _What had Deaton said already ? “Atypical menstruation might occur._ ”

_With Stiles' luck, it had to mean early period, right._

 

“Derek … Derek...” she woke him up gently. He grunted to signify he was, if not awake, listening. “I think I murdered your bed, Derek.”

That made him open his eyes.

“What ?” He pushed himself up on his elbow. Bed hair was so funny on him, and the pillow mark on his face would have made her laugh if she wasn't already about to die of self-humiliation.

“I think I slightly underestimated something.”

 

“What on earth are you talking about ?” She showed him the blood stains. “Oh. Guess we'll have to wash the sheets.” and dropped his face into his pillow, ready to fall back asleep.

 

“Is that all you've got to say ? Come on, will you just get up already and help me change those !! right now !”

 

“Stiles, there's hardly anything there.” he said into his pillow, not bothering to move his head to face her.

 

“Still, it's disgusting and we should clean it _asap_ or better and faster, burn the damn bed.”

 

“Stiles this is blood. Not some highly toxic chemical weapon. Nothing to be disgusted or scared of.”

 

“ First of all, Derek, if that was a chemical weapon I would most certainly NOT burn it; I'm no chemist, but I'm not completely insane ! Second of all, this is no ordinary blood. It came out of my uterus.”

 

“We both came out of a uterus.” he replied, out of argument, in a long sigh.

No point arguing with her, he realized when he saw her pissed off glare “I see your point, but you don't have to be embarrassed with me. Honestly, I don't care at all !”

Knowing when he was defeated, Derek got up and changed the sheets with Stiles. Her flushed face was heartwarming to him. The fact that he enjoyed her embarrassment was not something he should be proud of, but he couldn't help it.

 

Not long after Stiles had left to go to her monthly appointment with Deaton, Derek was exiting the bathroom when the intercom rang.

 

“Yeah ?” Derek said in the receiver.

 

“It's Lydia. Do you mind if I come up ?” the girl asked.

 

“Lydia. Hey. Hi. Hum, Stiles' out. Do you want me to tell her ...”

 

“No, I'm actually here to see you.”

 

That couldn't be good. “Oh. Ok. Come up then. I'm calling Al so he'll let you in.”

 

About 2 minutes after, a resolute knock on the door echoed.

 

“Hello, Lydia. What can I do for you ?” Derek asked letting her in. The girl was wearing a stunning blue dress, her hair flawlessly falling on her bare shoulders.

 

“So, I've booked the day, the place – it wasn't hard since we're doing it at Melissa's – and the only unknown element in the equation is you.” the redhead uttered.

 

“Excuse me ? What are we talking about here ?” Derek tried hard to get a hold of what the girl had just said and make sense out of it, but … oh, he got it. Before he could say another word Lydia started again.

 

“Stiles' birthday, of course.” Lydia replied a little irritated.

 

“Yes, of course. I didn't know you were doing something for her. That's cool.”

She gave him a calculating look. It seemed like the only look he would get from her.

 

She mumbled something he couldn't make out and resumed “So, are you free on Friday 21st ?”

 

“Yes, I am.” He didn't have to think if he was or not, because it was precisely Stiles' birth date and he had made sure to be free.

 

“I figured it was better to do it on a Friday night, since I know she has to wake up early on Sundays.” She gave him a knowing look. “Anyway, if you can come that's great. She'll be really happy. Oh and this is a surprise party, so not a word.”

 

He nodded and said “That's really nice of you to plan everything like that. How many are we gonna be?” it was not the real question he wanted to ask, but he didn't know how to broach the subject of _Is there gonna be underage drinking ?_

 

“Only a few friends, Isaac, Scott, two of my friends Allison and Kira, she must have mentioned them, Melissa, Danny, me, you and an alcohol-free environment.” She was apparently finished because she went for the door, when she stopped and turned to face him.

“You know Derek, I have to admit you're kinda hard to hate.” Her eyes were smiling even though her mouth was straight.

 

“Hum? Thanks?.” Derek replied a bit lost. He didn't know the girl very well but she terrified and appeased him at the same time.

 

“That was not a compliment.” She winked and disappeared behind the door.

 

Derek stared at the closed door, _Lydia was definitely scary._

 

He had been thinking for months about what would be the best present for Stiles. He had tried to ask her more or less subtly about what she would want or need. But she hadn't been very helpful so far. He got the impression she didn't even know nor care when was her birthday. He definitely wanted the present to be something useful, but most of all, he wanted it to be something that would last, something she could keep with her to remember him by.

Stiles was about to turn eighteen and that meant Derek wouldn't be her legal guardian anymore. She wouldn't need him anymore. Not as much anyway. She had been looking for a place to stay for a few weeks now, and Derek had promised to ask around and to help in her search, but he had done none of that. And he certainly did not want to think about the reasons why.

He came to the conclusion that one of the best gift he could give her was to support her no matter what she wanted to do and to just be here for her, wherever and whenever she needed him.

 

A key turning into the front door's lock brought him back. _Stiles was back early?_

 

“Here is my favorite nephew, being a creep all by himself in the dark.” the man said as he closed the door behind him. “Don't have this disappointed look on your face. I'm sure your pretty sassy girlfriend we'll be back soon enough.”

 

“Peter, I already warned you, if you keep using the emergency key to come in here unannounced, I'mma change the locks. Dammit.”

 

“Come on Derek, don't feel obliged to show me so much love every time you see me. Seriously, someone might think you missed me.” sassy uncle Peter declaimed. _No wonder, Stiles and him made an explosive duo._

 

“Why did you come, anyway ?”

 

“Can't I just simply be worried about you ?”

 

“No.” Derek was being unfair, and he knew it. He just had a lot on his mind lately and didn't want to add his uncle's whatever to the pile.

 

“I could feel hurt, but I won't. You've always had trouble using words Derek.” he looked him attentively in the eyes and gestured for him to follow upstairs. “Erica called me. She was concerned about you. She asked me some questions about your relationship with Stiles and how you were coping with the soon-to-come _separation_.” they let the silence hang between them for a moment as he sat down on the couch, putting his feet on the coffee table.

 

“There's hardly anything to tell. And I don't know what she's complaining about. I mean taking care of the kid was and still is my job, isn't it. There is no 'relationship' between me and Stiles.” He spat, obviously on the defensive.

 

“Who said anyone was complaining, she was just asking questions Derek.” the man observed his nephew for a few seconds. “She told me you haven't been to any of your meetings since you took Stiles in. And ...”

 

“It's been 5 years already, and I'm not stupid if I felt like I was about to relapse, I'd call for help. I wouldn't ditch all those hard years in the trash. I would never do that to myself or to Laura … or to Stiles. It's … I just … It's just that since she came into my life, I feel like I don't need to go there anymore. I feel supported.”

 

“And that's great. Really. But since Stiles is moving out and you'll be seeing, supporting, each other less, I think, _WE_ think you should try and go back to a few meetings from time to time. Just in case.”

 

“It's not done. Stiles hasn't found a place to stay yet, her moving out isn't ...”

 

“Actually, the second reason for my coming here” he reached into his jacket's pocket and pulled out a piece of paper “ is to tell Stiles I found a place for her.”

 

“She asked you ?” Derek's heart sank into his stomach. Stiles really wanted out, didn't she ?

 

“More like, during one of my phone calls, she mentioned she wanted to move out and if, by any chance, I heard about anything she could afford in BH, to let her know. So here I am, letting her know.” and he put the piece of paper with all the information on the table and made it slide in front of Derek. He stared at his nephew, his face betraying no emotion.

 

“Why give it to me ? You should give it to her.” he replied, his throat dry.

 

“Isn't that the same thing ?” This sentence could have meant a lot of things and Derek didn't like what any of them were implying. The two of them must have been in some kind of really intense staring contest, because none of them had heard Stiles come back.

 

 

“Hey, Der, my man, Deaton let me leave early cause I'm the healthiest piece of shit that ever exiii …sted. Yo, if it's not my favorite Peter Hale, sitting in my spot !” She said, hopping the last step.  
Stiles had had the pleasure to meet Derek's uncle a few times after the unforgettable phone call months ago. He was definitely weird, _most_ of the times, and scary, _some_ of the times, but all in all she liked the man.

“'d you find anything for me ?”

 

“Stiles, always glad to see you doing so well. I popped in to say hi to my ever so talkative nephew.” He turned to glance at Derek, when he noticed that the piece of paper had disappeared from the table. “And no, unfortunately I haven't found anything yet.” He got up, looked over at his nephew who wouldn't meet his eyes and twitched his lips in a knowing smirk before heading towards the stairs. “I think it's time for me to leave. Good seeing you two, kids.” He put his hands on Stiles head in a comforting gesture and went down.

 

“I'll see you around.” Stiles cried from upstairs as the older man was exiting the apartment. “You alright Derek ? You look a bit pale.”

 

“No, I'm fine. But I should probably go for a walk or something. I could do with some fresh air.”

 

“Cool, I'll come with you. Let me change my shirt first.”

 

“No. I'd rather not.”

 

“Ookay.” she was taken aback by his coldness. He must have noticed that because he hurriedly added “Don't take it personally. It's just … we don't have to do everything together.” He was being an ultimate ass.

 

“Yes. I think it was pretty clear the first time you said it.” she settled in front of the TV, already on, as always.

 

“Stiles.”

 

“Whatever buddy.” she didn't take her eyes off the screen.

He looked at her ignoring him with an aching heart. He hated to make her feel uncomfortable, unwanted.

He left the apartment as fast as he could before his willpower abandoned him completely.

 

**--**

 

When he came back, it was pitch black outside and way past midnight. His walk had turned into him wandering BH streets for hours. He had ended up at Danny's. He was lucky the young man had been in on a Saturday evening.

  
She had cooked for both of them apparently and put his plate on the kitchen table with a sticky note advising him to warm the thing about 2' in the micro-wave.

 

After taking a hot shower to help him relax the tension contracting his shoulders, he went to his room to take a pair of sweatpants and a clean t-shirt.  
When he saw her in his bed sleeping unusually peacefully, his first instinct was to lay by her side or, if he had dared, to spoon her, becoming the protective cocoon between her and the world. However, looking from a distance for once, he realized how unhealthy all of this was. It wasn't helping either of them. Especially not him. It was ridiculous of him to think his actions had no consequences. 

' _You have to live with the repercussions of every thing you do'_. A lesson he'd been taught early during rehab, a very long time ago.

_Had it been such a long time ?_

Suddenly, it all felt like just yesterday.

The sweating, the shivering, the anger, the lies, the struggling, the pain.

Suddenly, he could see his younger self storming out of the house after arguing with his dad.

He could hear his mom crying in the kitchen.

He could feel her trembling hands stroking his dirty hair, helping him to shower after they had found him stoned in a crack house.

He could remember his dad's warm hug, the pride in his eyes as they were leaving the clinic again … and again.

He could smell fire and smoke. Loss.

 

He understood in this precise moment, as he watched her breath calmly, that he had never stopped struggling.

The visible symptoms may have disappeared but the fight had never ended. He was still fighting every day, and so was Stiles.  
He was still rebuilding the man he wanted to be, the man he should be, and Stiles had to do the same thing eventually.  
This co-dependent relationship they had built between the two of them, wasn't what they needed.

 

Derek sat on the edge of the bed, where Stiles was sleeping. He studied her peaceful face, letting his right hand's knuckles brush her cheek slowly as if he was afraid he'd break her. He then leaned over her head to put a soft kiss on her temple. When he raised back, her eyes were open. For a few minutes, with none of them moving a muscle, their eyes fixed on one another, they had a wordless conversation. He was silently uttering a truth he would never acknowledge out loud.  
  


“I have to go back, don't I ?” he whispered to himself as he laid on the couch, his right arm over his face.

 

The TV was off and that made him smile, sadly. ' _Nothing is forever'._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading really :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, another early chapter, but I had time today so ...
> 
> By the way, that's how I imagine Allison & Kira's wedding went ! [ [video]](https://vimeo.com/71690782)
> 
> I made all that revolved around Allison fluffy and cheesy, because of reasons. (I'm overcompensating after 3x23)
> 
> I KNOW Kira is Japanese and the Asiatic woman in the video is Chinese, but after watching it, it's just how I picture Alison & Kira's wedding. Sue me !

“Lydia told me you and Kira were coming back to Beacon Hills. Is that for good ?”  
Stiles was so happy to meet Lydia's other half, at last. She had heard so much about Allison, she felt like they had already met. The strawberry blond hadn't lied, the brunette was stunningly beautiful, a smile always shining on her face. Her partner, Kira, was maybe one of the cutest person Stiles had ever seen. She looked all thin and fragile, but Lydia had told her it was all a disguise; she had won world championships in fencing, Judo and Tae Kwon do, the same year.

 

“Yes. Kira finally gave in, when she heard there was a job opening for her here, at the BH martial arts institute. We both aren't too fond of big cities, so coming back to my home town wasn't too big a sacrifice.” she laughed, softly squeezing her wife's hand, who returned her a bigger and fonder smile. Stiles' heart ached a bit.  
She wasn't aware such pure love was real.  
“So, Lydia talks about you a lot you know. At first, I was jealous of all the attention she was giving you, I'm ashamed to admit.” She giggled. “I'm really glad she found you. Isaac's a good lad but I was afraid she would feel lonely after a while here.”

“Truth is, I'm the lucky one. Lydia is really an amazing friend. I don't know what I would have done without her when I first came here.”

 

“Yes, she is.” Allison gave her friend, who was chatting with Scott and Kira next to them, a loving gaze.

 

“So what do you do for a living ? I mean your wife's a ninja apparently, you have to be doing something as epic, right ?”

 

“I teach archery, actually I ...”

 

“She won the world championship 4 times in a row. She won't tell you, so I'm doing it for her. She's my own little cupid.” the Japanese girl kissed Alli before going back to her conversation.

 

“Okay. So you're one dangerous couple to be around. If the apocalypse comes, I know who I'm bipping !” They both burst in laughter.

 

 

Melissa appeared with a big cake, covered by one, two, ... eighteen candles, probably.

“Gosh, you didn't have to do that. I'm eighteen not six.” Stiles complained.

 

“Shut up and blow your freaking candles before they ruin the cake.” Scott and Lydia said in one voice, Isaac crying of laughter behind them.

 

“Don't forget to make a wish.” Danny added.

 

Stiles scanned the room, a big grin on her face. Almost all the person that meant the world to her were gathered here, in one single room, just for her. Their love and attention were overwhelming.

Her eyes landed on Derek sitting by his ex-boyfriend's side, he was looking at her with such pride in his eyes that she had to close hers so no tears would escape.

 

She made a silent wish … and blew all the candles at once, making everybody clap their hands like she had just broken an Olympic record. Music started and the next thing she knew, she was pulled off her chair onto the small space that had been turned into a dance floor for the evening. She hadn't had the time to even taste the damn cake.

 

“I'm sorry we didn't buy you anything more.” Lydia said in her arm, as they were slow-dancing. Isaac, Scott and her had gathered their money to buy her tickets for the X-games in L.A in July … even though they were totally broke.  _ Bloody loving idjits ! _

 

“Are you kidding me ! You shouldn't even have. Having all of you here … It's the happiest I've ever been in … I can't even remember how long it's been since I was this happy.” She kissed the girl on the forehead before glancing at the couple dancing a few feet away from them. Derek lowered his eyes the moment they met hers.

 

They were still living together since Stiles hadn't found a place yet. They were acting and talking almost like they used to around each other, but something was definitely not right and Stiles hadn't figured out what yet. They had not shared the same bed since their row the other day. Sometimes Stiles would fall asleep in Derek's room and find him on the couch the next morning. It made her stomach drop to feel this gap between them, but she never said anything.

 

After a few songs spent jumping all over the small space, she saw Derek give her a look before going outside for a smoke break.

 

“I'm going out to burn one, ok ?” she wasn't really asking but still didn't want to ditch her partner on the dance floor without a word. The redhead nodded and Isaac took her hand to make her spin, her hair floating in the air like gravity wasn't important.

 

She zipped up her hoodie and put a cigarette to her already cold lips when Derek came closer and lit it for her.

 

“Thanks. Having fun ?”

 

“More than I expected, to be honest. I'm glad Lydia threatened me into coming.” He smiled. “I've got something for you.” He pulled a little box for the inside of his leather jacket. “It's something I had made for my 1 year anniversary. I want you to have it.”

She opened the box slowly, her hands shaking from the cold, or the emotion, she wasn't sure.  
It was a necklace. A black leather thread with a strange looking pendant.

 

“What is it ?”

 

“It's a triskele. It bears a lot of meanings in a lot of different cultures actually." he paused and took a drag on his cigarette. "To me, each spiral represents a thing I want to have control over. 3 spirals, 3 things. Body, Mind and Future. When I got out of rehab for the last time, I figured that I needed a goal that would take my whole life to reach in order to keep me in the right path. Simple goals, to keep it real, but unattainable, to keep me busy.”

 

“To have control over your body, your mind, your future.” She looked up to him, in every possible way. “Derek.” she whispered, her fingertips brushing the pendant. “This is just what I need.” She went to hug him, but hesitated when she saw him put his hand back inside his jacket.

 

“And, here.” He handed her an envelope. She opened it and had to narrow her eyes to read it, the only light helping her being the one coming from inside the Diner. When she finally grasped the meaning of what it said on the paper, she gasped and looked at him a mix of sadness and relief in her features.

“I paid the deposit and 2 months-worth of rent, so you won't have to stress yourself out too much about formalities for a while.”

 

“Derek.” His name was the only thing she was able to say right now. “Derek, I ...”

 

“Well, all the credit doesn't come to me. Peter was the one finding the place. I just checked it out to make sure it was alright and ... you know the rest.” he offered her a genuine smile when he saw a single tear rolling down her cheek. “Wasn't it what you wanted ?”

 

She shook her head. “'s'not that. I just … can I hug you ?” It was the first time she had ever asked but again they hadn't been very tactile with each other lately. He caught her wrist, pulled her arm and brought her into a very strong and long hug, maybe the most emotional one they'd ever had. Even if it wasn't a goodbye hug, it felt like one in so many ways that neither of them wanted to break it.

“Derek, do you think you could do what you did the other night again ?” she asked shyly. He stepped back a little. “As an other birthday present.” She looked younger than she ever had in that moment.

 

He smiled. ' _ Be here for her whenever and wherever _ '. As he leaned into her personal space to kiss her temple. A creepy laugh stopped him in the middle of his movement.

 

“Hey ain't that the freak from the skatepark ?” the voice came from across the street. Stiles and Derek, both turned their head in time to see an other guy answer. “Yeah, it is. Thought she was a dyke. The redhead of hers ain't here though. Guess she likes the 'D' after all.”  
“Don't all the pussy licker do ? They just need to find a good one.” his friend added, touching his own crotch. They laughed again, leaving Derek completely at a loss as to what was happening. Wanton hateful comments.

Stiles' body was trembling from anger and frustration by his side. Not able to let her be insulted like this without fighting back, he was about to make a move when her hand landed on his, telling him to stop whatever he intended to do. She tied the necklace he'd given her around her neck, the triskele hanging above the edge of her v-neck t-shirt, and looked right back at the two guys who had stopped not very far from them. She then, put her middle finger and her index in a V in front of her mouth and stuck her tongue out obnoxiously, before turning and going back in.

She glanced at Derek who had caught up and was looking at her perplexed, and said “I'm taking control.”

He gazed at her silhouette disappearing among her dancing friends.

 

 

A few dances later and a major case of dehydration that had to be taken care of, Lydia and Stiles went to sit for a while.

“Do you mind if I take your date for the next dance ?” Danny asked taking the hand Lydia was willing to give him.

 

“If the lady doesn't mind, she's all yours.” Stiles joked, taking a sip of water.

 

“In compensation I lend you mine. Good luck making him dance.” the Hawaiian added pointing his chin at Derek who was sitting a few feet away, a non-alcoholic beer in his hand.

 

She hesitated a second playing with the pendant around her neck, before standing up and going towards her now-ex-guardian.

 

“Will you dance with me ?” She asked bluntly.

 

He looked at her, hesitation reading in his face “I don't think that's ...”

[Let yourself be loved covered by Garrison Starr](https://soundcloud.com/jeremy-silver-1/let-yourself-be-loved) started playing.

 

“Come on Sourwolf, come dance with me.” She took his hand and pulled him off his chair.

 

Once on the dance floor, she put her arms around his neck as he put his hands on her waist. Derek was definitely taller than her.  His body was stiff and the position felt a bit awkward. Stiles wasn't used to putting her arms around someone's neck, she was always the one circling the waist of a petite redhead, bringing her closer than was necessary. She was always the one leading, because that's what she felt comfortable doing. This just felt … different.

 

As the song kept going, she looked up and met Derek's gaze. She felt utterly self-conscious all of a sudden and wanted to shy away. She just kept staring at him with the same intensity he was staring at her, as if hypnotized. She felt his hands slide a little on the small of her back and relaxed in the warm embrace, her own hands now on the man's chest.

 

Derek decided to let go of the tension that was keeping him from enjoying this moment with Stiles. The girl was definitely not aware of what she was doing to him, so he had to be the one to take control of his emotions. He glanced quickly at the triskele between them and shut away all of his demons just for a moment, for this moment. He wanted this dance with Stiles, the closeness.

 

She hesitated before resting her head against his chest and could feel his heart beating as fast as hers. She slid her arms around his waist putting her hands over his shoulder blades, in a more comfortable position to her. Stiles closed her eyes, adjusting her breathing to Derek's.

The man pressed his cheek on her head. They stayed like this, slightly rocking each other.  
They weren't really dancing.  
Their bodies were having a secret and complex conversation.  
... and Derek was certain, he was the only one getting what it was all about.

When the song died away, he was the first one to pull away keeping his hands on her hips. He bent down and pressed a kiss on her temple before going back towards his table and picking up his jacket. He talked to Danny and kissed him on the cheek before going to do the same to Melissa.

“Whenever, Derek.” Stiles heard Mrs Mccall reply.

 

“I'm going home. I'll see you tomorrow.” He didn't wait for Stiles' answer -  _ surely because he had asked no question – _ and exited the Diner without glancing back.

 

**--**

 

After helping Melissa clean everything up so she could open without any worry in now 5 … make that 4 hours, and after thanking everyone a thousand times, she walked home, the fresh night's wind blowing away a few messy hair locks from her face.

 

When she reached the private little park in front of the apartments building, she saw the back of a well known silhouette sitting on a bench. She approached him as quietly as she could manage, bent over the back of the bench to look at his face, and said “Is being a creep all by yourself on public benches a habit of yours mister ?”

 

He didn't jump even a tiny bit by surprise, as if he had known all along she was behind him. He took the cigarette from his lips and stubbed it out . _She sounded just like his uncle._

 

“I think you exceeded your 6 cigarettes quota today.” Stiles observed while sitting down by his side.

 

“I think I did.” he answered in a low and slow voice, still not looking in her direction.

 

“I really want to thank you. I don't think you understand how much your present means to me.” She was talking about the necklace but he couldn't help but think about the apartment.  _ Did moving out of his life mean so much to her ? _

“And about the apartment, I'm glad you trust me enough to let me fly on my own. You shouldn't have paid for anything though ! It's my responsibility now.”

 

' _ Let me have that, at least. _ ' he thought but instead said, “It's nothing really. I went to see the place Peter had found for you and it seemed pretty decent, nothing too fancy though. Don't get excited. I made sure everything was in order. You don't have to worry about money, it doesn't mean much to me. I'm just glad I was able to be of any help in one way or another.”

 

“You always are Derek” '…  _ you don't know how much you are _ ' she had wanted to add but kept silent. She gathered all the courage she could to ask the only question she'd dreaded to ask since she'd realized she had to leave his place. 

“When do you want me to give you your key back ?”

 

He looked at her for the first time since she had found him out here. “What do you mean ?” He wasn't grasping the meaning of her question properly, obviously.

 

She made round eyes. Her question wasn't such a hard one, was it ? “Your key. The one to your place. When do you want it back ?”

 

“Huh, never ?” He had heard right the first time apparently. _She was really dense sometimes !_ “Stiles,my place will always be your home. As long as you consider it so. I don't want you to give me your key back. Ever. I thought that was an unspoken fact we both were aware of. A silent agreement. I don't know !”

 

She moved a bit closer “Thank you, Derek.” , and put a kiss on his right cheek. She didn't linger. It was a quick gesture and she was gone, disappearing behind the big glass doors of the lobby.

 

Derek stayed outside, sitting there for a while. He sighed, ran his hand through his hair and lit his 8th cigarette of the day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yep, favorite chapter so far. It could have been written way better, but I don't know how to describe body language properly, and this chapter is based a lot on that.  
> I like what the triskele means to Derek. It's kind of his own little anchor as an (ex)addict.
> 
> The struggle in Derek's mind showing through his body.
> 
> In my mind, [Let yourself be loved covered by Garrison Starr](https://soundcloud.com/jeremy-silver-1/let-yourself-be-loved) and [ We are Broken by This The Silent War](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQMdQLBK0sw) are 2 songs representing perfectly Stiles and Derek's relationship in this story. 
> 
> 2 broken souls, 2 broken persons, trying to fix one another the best way they can.


	8. Chapter 8

### January 2009 -

 

Christmas passed rapidly and quietly after Stiles and Derek both confessed that this wasn't their favorite time of the year, to put it nicely. They had agreed not to buy themselves any presents, and spent the 24th watching Doctor Who and playing cards.

On New Year's Eve, they had a little get together with Lydia, Scott, Isaac, Danny, Melissa ... the usual pack. They had a really good time and Stiles was happy not to taste this bitter feeling of loneliness coming along with every new year, not too much at least.

 

 **--**

 

“This is your 4th coffee Stiles, are you alright ?” Boyd asked her, an interrogating eyebrow raised over his left eye.

 

“Hum, yes. Of course. I mean everything's fine.”

 

“Not sleeping well ?”

 

“Having some trouble, but it'll pass. Just the new year. You know, new resolutions. Can be heavy on your soul at night.” Tentative joke to put an end to the conversation. This tactic was guaranteed an instant win by K.O. in Stiles' case.

 

“Sure.” the man didn't insist and closed the door of his office behind him.

 

Stiles rubbed her temples with two of her fingers to make her headache go away. Useless to say, it wasn't working.

She had started working at the preserve two weeks ago and it was the best work experience she'd had so far, but decided not to say a word about this to Melissa obviously. Some days were definitely harder than others, working for the most part outdoors during winter wasn't exactly the easiest task ever, but she liked it. Every day was different and that gave her one more reason to get up every morning. That was not something that should ever be overlooked.

She was still working two nights a week at the Diner. The official reason was that she would have more income, which was true, but it was clearly because she couldn't imagine cutting all ties with the life she had created when she first came here. The Diner and the people working there, her friends were the biggest part of her anchor. That's a concept Erica had told her about when she'd done her PMS-induced-anxiety attack - good times ! The woman had asked her to make a list of everything that was positive in her life and to turn it her anchor, something that could bring her back whenever she felt like she was wandering away.

 

Talking about anchor material, she wasn't seeing much of Derek lately. He was out every day working with two reputed wolf experts, Ethan and Aiden, in order to get back a wolf whose tracker had stopped working. They had lost her track at the start of the month and had no idea so far where she was. They had followed a few different trails based on where they knew wolves went this moment of the year, but those data were deduced from pack observations and this wolf was on his own for all they were aware of. The search was taking way longer than anyone thought it would and it was wearing for everyone, especially Derek. He was the most affected by that disappearance.  
One day, before the man started spending every single day out in the mountains looking for the she-wolf, he had threatened to sue the firm that made the chips in a moment of blind rage. It was the first time Stiles had seen him lose control like that. She had been terrified. Boyd explained later that day, the animal was the first one Derek had rescued and taken care of by himself, he had named her Laura. That's all her boss had told her and she hadn't asked for more details. She had meant to ask Derek directly whenever she or he would have the time, but the only moment they saw each other was when he took her to the clinic on Sundays.  
Once a week, she got to seat, twice, next to a silent Derek in a silent car.

 

She knocked on her boss's door before entering his office.

“I called the Basil today to confirm the meeting next week. They said they would send one of their expert to check all the wolves' chips, but they doubt it was a malfunction, which means ...”

 

“Yes … I don't know what I hope for … the malfunction or the poaching. If it's a problem with the chips, it means none of our wolves are safe if we can't keep track of them properly, and if it's poaching, it means none of our wolves are safe. Period. I hate it … Thanks Stiles. You can go back early, we're all exhausted from this nightmare of a week.”

 

“Alright, Sir. I'll see you on Monday. Call me if they need an extra this week-end.”

 

“Will do. See you, Stiles.”

 

She checked the cars in the parking lot as she was on her way to pick up her bike. The Camaro was still there as she thought it would be and the preserve's pick-up Derek drove out on his expeditions wasn't back yet. Old news.

She stopped and decided to head back towards the vet clinic. The youngest and weakest wolves were put in heated rooms during the coldest days, which were right now, and she loved sitting next to the cages, watching them sleep, or just look back at her with bright clever eyes. That was the place she waited for Derek some days. She could easily take the bus or her bicycle back home, but she just wanted these few minutes with her former guardian, even though they didn't talk much during the ride. They rarely did lately. Something was up with Derek, that much was obvious, but knowing what or even why was like trying to find the holy Grail : the quest becomes greater than the goal.

 

A hand shaking gently her shoulder made her jerk awake. She must have fallen asleep.

 

“Stiles, I'm closing the clinic.”

 

“Oh. Sorry. Has he come back ?” she asked as if Deaton had to know she was talking about Derek. He knew.

 

“Derek is waiting for you in his car. He asked me to come and fetch you when he saw your bike still latched outside.”

 

“Sure. Thanks.” she was groggy, but the fresh air slapping her face when she stepped outside woke her up for good. She jogged to the black car not to make the man wait longer than he already had. He started the engine the moment she opened the passenger door. “Sorry.”

 

He didn't answer. She didn't feel comfortable enough to turn the radio on tonight. She hated to feel like their relationship was going backwards lately. After two minutes that felt like an eternity of complete silent, she had to talk. “Any news about Laura ?” she tried shyly.

 

He shook his head.

 

“You know, Boyd and I talked to the electronic chips' firm and there could be another reason for the signal to stop like that. They think …”

 

“I don't wanna talk about it.” He glanced at Stiles who was making herself smaller and smaller on her seat and added a shitty reason to put her at ease. “I'm exhausted.”

 

“Okay.”

 

When he pulled up to her building, she didn't immediately get off the car. “Derek, who's Laura?” Eyes in the void, for a second he seemed lost somewhere in his mind. “Derek ?” He came back to his senses in an instant, fixing his gaze on her face.

“No one you should worry about. I'll see you on Sunday. We'll go pick up your bike after.” and he turned the radio on, waiting for her to leave.

She watched him drive away and stood here for a few minutes. His apartment was only a few blocks away but she hadn't gone back there since Christmas.

 

After putting the TV on, not even worrying about what was actually on, she decided she wasn't hungry enough to cook. She zoned out in front of the open freezer, but none of the prepared meals  looked appetizing enough, she closed it.

 

She settled on the couch and stared at the clock hanging above the TV. It was a Friday night and she was at home counting seconds.

The noises the people talking on tv were making couldn't distract her less. She was focused. Playing with her triskele. Control. On the background, the voices started screaming louder, or maybe laughing, she just didn't care.

Only ninety seconds left. Sixty. Thirty. Twenty … She couldn't wait any longer.

She pushed the redial button of her land line phone she had been holding tight for the past hour and let it ring.

Derek picked up almost immediately without saying a word. He could see the caller idea. She heard he was also watching tv, the same channel as she was apparently. Time seemed to unfreeze at last. She kept the receiver pressed against her ear and relaxed in her seat. Both of them were silent.

 

When she'd first moved in her new place in the beginning of December, she'd had gone nuts trying to fall asleep one night and she'd called Derek to check if he was asleep. He had been. It quickly became a ritual, whenever she was unable to sleep, she'd phone him. At first, they talked but as her phone calls became more and more frequent, they started to talk less and lately they were not talking at all. It didn't matter, they knew those calls were just a way for Stiles to keep some sort of control over her anxieties. Derek never hung up before she did, he would just put the phone down next to him and keep doing whatever he was doing. Nevertheless, they had agreed she wouldn't call him passed 10 pm, because after that time, every call she made was considered an emergency call, that was one of the rules they'd come up with when she first moved out. She was allowed to call Derek casually until 10 pm. It helped structure her evenings, it was good ... at first.

Lately, regarding Derek's behavior, she had tried not to call and she had counted the minutes and seconds until the dreaded curfew, telling herself continuously that once passed that time she was safe, she wouldn't have a choice to call him or not, she simply couldn't. She had tried to resist calling, to take control, to see the little hand point at 10 and the big one pass the 12 for once. She'd failed every night so far.

 

She could hear him breath, which meant he was keeping the phone close to his face and hadn't put it on the coffee table like he did most of the time. For some reason, that made a warmth grow into her stomach insensibly.

 

However, tonight was different for her. All the non-sense echoing on the TV, the ticking clock, his breathing, her pumping heart, all of that was deafening. It was becoming less and less bearable.

What had she done wrong? Was he punishing her? What for?

Her mind started to go everywhere, looking for answers but quickly losing its way in the abyss of all the dark corners filling her head.

It was a problem alcohol could solve easily, she was well aware of that because her mind kept telling her. In moment like these it didn't matter that she had managed to go more than a whole year without a drop of alcohol, all that mattered was that in this instant, she wanted alcohol, she needed to drink. She knew it wouldn't solve her problems but she _believed_ it would.

She wasn't going to relapse, first because she didn't have anything in her apartment and also, because she was having more and more control over herself. Yet, it was one thing knowing you had a drinking problem, but living with it and being reminded of it every single day felt like hell being set loose under your feet.

She was tired of victimizing and lynching herself.

 

“I won't call back.” She managed to say before hanging up on him. She watched the receiver not returning any sound in her hands for a few minutes and decided to take control, at least for tonight. _Tomorrow can wait._

She turned the tv off and went to the kitchen to fry herself some scrambled eggs.

She didn't find sleep that night either.

 

She spent her Saturday watching reruns of various series she liked or not, and went to do the grocery shopping. She walked head down when she passed in front of the skatepark. She had done a reckless thing provoking those two jerks a few months ago and she was afraid to go back there knowing they would probably be too. Lately, she was mainly riding to go to Lydia's or the Diner. One other good thing in her life that had turned sour.

 

**--** 

 

Lydia kissed her cheek goodbye as soon as she saw Derek's car appear up the road. The man stopped right in front of Stiles and unlocked the doors, like he even needed to lock them when he was inside … This was Beacon Hills and Mr I-have-muscles-on-my-muscles wasn't the first person you'd want to carjack.

 

“'Morning.”

 

“'Morning. You look better, like you actually slept.” he was looking at her face as if he hadn't seen her in months.

 

“I'll try not to be offended by what this statement implies, so thanks, I guess.”

 

“So did you ? Sleep ?”

 

“Do you really care ?”

 

“Stiles, don't start.”

 

“Alright. Okay. Yes, I did get a couple of hours sleep.”

 

“Did Lydia slept over ?”

 

“As a matter of fact, she did.”

 

“Are you guys back together.”

 

“Not that it's any of your business, but no we're not.” She was being rude on purpose. She was sick of putting up with his bad mood lately, so it's not because he'd decided to be talkative this morning that she'd overlook 2 weeks of inexplicable brooding and tantrums. It was neither very wise nor very nice of her, but he had it coming.

 

The rest of the ride was silent aside from Sarah Fairfield's Heart of Mine playing on the radio.

 

**--**

 

“So, Stiles it's been a while since you last spoke about you in here, and from what I heard, there's been quite a few changes in your life. Care to share with all of us, darling ?” Carla, the mediator asked.

 

_Who's your darling ?_

 

“So it's confession time, I guess.” She watched the inquisitive smile on Carla's face and could feel the tension building in Derek as he straightened himself in his chair. The last time she'd spoken it was to say she'd relapsed, no wonder the guy had apprehensions. “Okay, then. I guess I can't hide it any longer … I have … the dirtiest crush on Kesha. I mean it's not something you can admit everyday or to anyone ...”

Her intervention had the merit to have created a wave of laughter from almost all of the people sitting in the room, except for Carla, who just shook her head.

Stiles looked at Derek who was resting his left arm on his leg, and his right hand blocking her from seeing his facial expression. Despairt or amusement, it had to be one of those. She was praying for the latter.

 

“Stiles. If you could take these sessions seriously, that'd be a big improvement, it could even help you. It's also very disrespectful to the people who come here to actually share what they feel, people that want to get better.” The 'unlike you' wasn't said but Stiles felt the remark strike her bones.

 

Carla was right. By taking these meetings lightly and making fun of her own confessions, she was also making fun of others' and wasting their time, all at once. _It was time to get it together girl_.

“I'm sorry. You're right. It was rude. So what happened lately, huh ? I moved out from Derek's in December. It was a mutual decision. I mean, me being over 18 and all … Anyway, I have a new place and it's my own, so I guess it's a pretty good thing.”

 

“Yes, that's good, Stiles. How are you feeling about this ?”

 

“I'm learning to take care of myself. I have a job that gives my week its tempo, which is nice, and invite friends over whenever I can. All in all I'm pretty lucky, I can't deny it.”

 

“Are you sleeping well ?”

That took her by surprise, even so she was almost sure the woman would ask her this question since sleep had always been a major problem when it came to Stiles' well being.

“Be honest, Stiles. Nobody's gonna judge you here. Don't be afraid of sounding weak. Coming here means you're not weak.”

 

“No.”

 

“What do you mean 'no'. No, you don't sleep well or no, you don't wanna be honest ?”

 

“No, I don't sleep well. I don't even sleep at all, if I have to be _honest_.” She didn't mind showing her weaknesses to a bunch of strangers but was feeling ashamed admitting it in front of Derek. She didn't want him to think she wasn't able to live on her own, when he was the one paying her rent.

 

“Stiles, you didn't tell me it was that bad.” Derek reacted immediately.

 

“Derek, please. No intervention coming from you in here.” the mediator told him off.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“So, Stiles, how do you make it work ? With your job, I mean ?”

 

“I survive on Adderall and coffee, which I know isn't quite the best cocktail, and I do sleep, but …” she glanced quickly in Derek's direction. “at work, during my breaks.”

 

“Alright. Did you have any 'moments' lately ?”

 

“You mean, did I ever wanted to have a drink ? … Yes, I did. Of course I did. How crazy is it that I consider it to be obvious behavior ? I know perfectly well that drinking isn't gonna solve any of my problems but in those 'moments' my brain was like, 'hey, have a drink anyway, you're gonna feel better, girl'. talk about betrayal ! … whatever. That's when I realized I would never be really normal, that sober would just be a state I struggle to maintain until I sink again.” She sat back indicating she was done talking.

 

 

“Stiles, first, thank you for sharing. I, and everybody here, appreciate you doing so. I also want to remind you that you _are_ normal, you just have to deal with problems most of the people don't have too. You're a the tougher one. I promise you. Never forget to reach out if you have low moments.”

 

“I guess you mean when.” For Stiles, the sharing time had ended as soon as she'd stopped talking, that's when the sarcasm came back.

 

**--**

 

Derek pulled over in the preserve's parking lot. There were only a few cars since only 4 staff members worked on Sundays. He stretched his hands on the steering wheel looking for the best way to put his mind into words.

“I'm sorry Stiles.”

 

“What for ?” There was actually many reasons he could be apologizing for.

 

“For making you feel like you couldn't count on me anymore. It's the last thing I could possibly wish for. I really care for you and I've been acting like a moron.”

 

“I won't deny that you've been acting weird for some time now, but I figured it was something I'd done or whatever.”

 

“No ! Not at all. It's definitely not.” They made a hand gesture to Cindy whose shift had ended and was going to her car when she passed theirs.  
“Stiles, will you come with me somewhere this Wednesday ?”

 

“Of course. Where d'ya wanna go ?”

 

“You'll see. Just, clear your afternoon.”

 

“Okay.” They stared at each other, her looking for clues on his face, him making sure he was taking the right decision.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stiles doesn't know who Laura is, because Derek never mentioned her name when he talked about his sister's death in Chapter 2 (i think). Obviously, she can do the math but is still waiting for Derek to tell her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING : Non-graphic but mention of deaths and suicide + light description of an addict's journey to hell.
> 
> DAA means Drugs Addicts Anonymous. There are a lot of help groups out there, be sure to reach out if you ever need it :)
> 
> Stay safe !

 

On Tuesday, they stopped looking for Laura. They'd found not less than 30 wolf-traps in the area the she-wolf was last seen, some of them having obviously already been used judging from the dry blood staining the metal. The check up the electronic chips' firm had done, confirmed that afternoon that all of their products were functioning correctly. This was the last blow that broke everybody's hope.

Derek was excused for the day, but decided he would be better off staying here and keeping busy than going home on his own.

 

During one of her breaks, Stiles skipped her ritual cigarette to go where she knew she'd find him. After entering the room as quietly as humanly possible, the girl let her back slide against the wall until she was sat on the floor, her right side pressed against Derek. She wasn't sure how much she was allowed to touch him when he was like this. His head was resting on the wall behind them, his eyes closed and a blank face giving her no indication whatsoever as to what she was supposed to do, so she did nothing. She sat by his side in silence for ... she didn't even know how long, until she felt his hand patting her own. The man stood up and left the room without a word or a glance. Stiles' break was definitely over, but she stayed to look at the wounded young wolf sleeping soundly in the cage in front of her for a few more minutes, before going back to the real cold world.

 

**--**

 

They were in an old building right outside of Beacon Hills, not far from the Clinic. It was just a little past 1 pm when they sat in a very small auditorium that clearly wasn't used on a daily basis.

 

Derek had picked her up after lunch still not saying anything as to where they where going. However, it was now clear they were at a DAA meeting. Stiles had mixed feelings about being here. She was thrilled and touched Derek would trust her enough to bring her with him to something as intimate as this, but she was also fearing to hear Derek reveal elements about his past, his life that she wouldn't be able to stomach.

 

The meeting started with only 10 persons in the room, excluding Stiles and the mediator.

Two persons, a man in his 40s and an incredibly young-looking girl, talked for almost half an hour about them relapsing and their reluctance to go back to rehab. Hearing them made Stiles feel selfishly less alone. She wasn't proud to think about it this way, but it helped her realize in a depressing way that people with bigger problems than hers, people more broken than she was were living in the same quiet town. She was well aware it was a fucked up point of view, but she would take whatever hope she was given in whatever way.

That's when Derek, who'd been silent the whole time, listening almost religiously, suddenly got off his seat and walked over to the small stage. Stiles watched him, tall, resolve on his face, behind the stand. The longer he stood there, silent, the more she dreaded for him to talk.

 

“Hello, my name's Derek Hale and I am an addict.” People greeted him back, voices low and less encouraging than the one in Stiles' help group, as if those people were coming here expecting nothing at all to come out of it, as if all hope they had left was long gone and lost. She felt sick thinking that it may have been what Derek had to go through every week for years, talking in front of hopeless people about his weakest and darkest moments … How did he ever got out of hell ?

 

“I've been clean for 5 years 8 months and … 10 days. I haven't come here in a while and although I didn't relapse or even feel like doing it, I felt the need to come back here. A lot happened in my life in a small lapse of time and it's definitely too much for me to handle on my own. I think it's time I start all over again. To do that, I have to go back to the beginning. I have to face my demons one more time. I have to confess all over again.” He paused and took a breath. Stiles hands grew cold.

“I was eighteen when I first met this girl, well, this woman really. Her name was Kate. I wasn't one to be lucky with girls or boys my own age, even less with a gorgeous woman like her, but the fake Ids we used my friends and I to get into that club must have given me guts I didn't know I had, and in less than half an hour we were both having a good time in the club's toilets. From the top of my youth, she was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen and by far the _coolest_ person; our relationship became quickly extremely intense. I started spending more and more time with her and she dragged me _very easily_ into her colorful and exciting world. I first started smoking weed, without even thinking I was doing something bad. ' _that's cool, everyone does it_ ' was what I told myself to justify my actions and I believed it. One night, we went to a concert she'd been invited to and I tasted cocaine for the first time. Of course, I'd heard all the talk ' _Don't do drugs, kids_ ', but it was new and exciting and good, and I saw all those upstanding people doing it too, so how bad could it be, right.” Almost everyone in the room nodded in a silent agreement. Everybody seemed to understand what Derek was talking about.

“The deeper I went in my _relationship_ with Kate, the stronger the drugs I started taking and the farther away from my family I drifted. After coke, I got into crack, meth and experimented mixing all of this crap, because it was a cool thing to do, and because I loved it. That's when my mood swings got worse. I lost my appetite, my scholarship, my friends and eventually dropped out of school. My family tried to reason with me and to keep me away from her. But I was already too far gone and I wasn't thinking straight anymore, the more they pleaded me to stop and to stay away from Kate, the more I didn't want to. She was the 'Sex, Drug and Rock'n'roll' wet dream of all teenagers and I had her, and better, she wanted me.Then I discovered hero, that's when I fell to my lowest point . My life passed the point of no return, or so I thought. I stopped going home at all, because all I could hear there was my mom crying herself to sleep after seeing the needle marks on my legs.” Stiles had stopped breathing a long time ago and was filled with fear and sorrow that wasn't hers to feel.

“My parents, my sister, my uncle, they all spent countless nights looking for me in all the bad neighborhoods, the crack houses of the town. They succeeded in putting me twice in rehab but each time I got out, she came for me and I just let her take me back. The drugs had made me impassible to my family's suffering. I was so far gone that in my few lucid moments I just thought it would be best if they'd just leave me for dead, they were definitely better off without me.” He closed his eyes. Stiles was watching him mesmerized by the horror of his story. “Then, almost a year and a half after I had started my journey to hell, during my third time in rehab, my parents ... they died. That's when I realized what I'd done. It fucking took me that much to come to my senses. That was my wake up call. I decided I would never touch any drugs ever again. Obviously, I failed because I do smoke tabaco every day.” that made everyone laugh, since there was a big chance that everybody in this room also smoked. “I finished rehab in may 2003 and I have been clean ever since.” He got a soft round of applause that Stiles couldn't join in as her body was still unable to move. A small relieved smile on his face, he got off the stage and shook hands with the mediator who congratulated him. Stiles felt sick again and considered throwing up right on Derek's laps when he sat back by her side, but the hand he put on hers stayed her. She looked up to him and saw the same man she had seen over a year ago on that platform, but something was different. The man sitting beside her was definitely the same Derek she'd learnt to trust and love, but not only. They intertwined their fingers, listening to the others telling their stories.

 

“Thank you for taking me with you, for sharing this with me.” Stiles said in quavering voice, as they were walking towards his car.

 

“Actually, that's not where I wanted to take you. Coming to the meeting was just a last minute decision. I needed to come back here though and I'm glad you were with me.”

 

“So am I.” She smiled to him, a heavy heart beating loudly in her tight chest.

 

**--**

 

When he pulled over in front of the Beacon Hills Cemetery, she wasn't surprised and even felt strangely comfortable with the idea of being here. It was weird, but what she liked about places like that was the certainty of knowing where your beloved ones were resting forever. Every time she saw a cemetery she felt closer to her mom and dad, because she knew their bodies even if soulless were lying under the growing grass back in her home town, and they would stay there until the day she passes away too. That knowledge made her feel at ease, in peace with herself. She'd heard many foster kids wondering where they parents might be, if they'd ever come back for them, trying to convince themselves they weren't forsaken by choice. At least, Stiles had no useless hope, she wasn't waiting for anyone since she had no one to wait for. Most people thought it was a dark and morbid vision of the world, but to her it was survival skills, a mind trick helping her to stay as sane as possible.

 

They were both holding the flowers they had bought on their way here. Truth was Derek bought them and Stiles got the impression he knew exactly what he was doing, as if this was something he did on a regular basis, the florist definitely knew the man judging by the way he was talking to Derek. Stiles just stood behind by the door observing this awkward looking scene.

 

Walking the paths between the stones, she let the man guide her and looked up at the sky. Different shades of blue had been brushed over their heads and no clouds could be spotted, this immensity made her want to draw a deep breath and get a taste of that inconceivable freedom taunting them from up there.

Derek stopped and brought back Stiles attention on the cold hard ground. He stared at the two headstones planted in front of them, they were covered in flowers that had been left not long ago for they were still fresh and beautiful.

_Philip Hale 1961-2003 and Talia Hale 1959-2003._

Stiles waited for Derek to say something but he just stood there, speechless. She wondered if she should put the flowers but decided against it as she wasn't sure to whom she was suppose to give them and she felt like it would be rude to make a move before Derek did. She wasn't sure how long they stayed like this, but when the man talked she jerked imperceptibly in surprise.

 

“My parents.” The man stopped at that and Stiles figured she would try asking him questions. Maybe he needed a gentle push.

 

“Do you come here often ?”

 

“Not really. Peter does.” He stopped again, but before Stiles could try something else, he kept going. “I usually only come on April 24th, or whenever I feel like I need to, but I haven't come here in a long time, way too long.” He glanced at the head stone on their right. There was one without any inscription on it right next to Talia's, but the one beside had a familiar name carved in it : _Laura Hale 1981-2007._

 

Since the man had gone mute again, Stiles dared another question. “Why is that ?”

 

His look kept travelling between his parents' and sister's eternal sleeping places. “Guilt, I suppose.”

 

“How come ?” Now, the girl wasn't even thinking about being too blunt with the man, she was genuinely confused.

 

“Being the cause of the death of 3 members of your family is one hell of a reason to feel guilty.” he laughed sarcastically, sorrow radiating from his whole body.

 

“Derek, why would you say that ?” It was not like Stiles didn't understand guilt, she did. However, she needed Derek to explain how he could feel responsible for all this tragedy.

 

“Because that's the truth.” He teared his gaze from his family's graves and put it on her. “The third time I was in rehab, our house caught on fire.” His eyes were fixed on her but she was sure he wasn't seeing her, he was lost in his nightmares, his memories.

 

“How is that your fault Derek ?” She took a step forwards, the flowers starting to weigh way more than they should, a strange heaviness was making her arms ache.

 

“I … I was supposed to go back home that day, but I didn't think I was strong enough. I didn't feel like I would be able to do it knowing Kate was out there waiting for me to get out. I was sure she was gonna come for me one more time and I _knew_ I wouldn't be strong enough to resist her, so … so I agreed to get a restraining order. My parents had been asking me to do so for months, they were so happy I finally gave in … they … they went to the police to do all the formalities and it took them almost all day because I had to sign stuff and make a deposition or something, but couldn't go to the station. That day was a big mess, but a happy one for them. They were so preoccupied about me, Stiles … Why ? I don't understand.” He was looking at her with pleading eyes as if waiting for her to give him a reason. She was lost. She didn't see where his story was going, how was this supposed to explain Derek's guilt. “They are your parents Derek, of course they were worried about you, of course they would do everything in their power to make you feel safe. There is no wondering why.” She wasn't sure that was his question, but when in doubt she chose to go with what felt like the right thing to say.

 

“But, they forgot Stiles, they fucking forgot. They were too worried about getting me this fucking restraining order because I was a weak pathetic idiot unable to get my shit together without help. They were focused on getting me back. They forgot so many things. They never forgot anything, Stiles, never.”

 

Stiles felt more and more confused by Derek's story. To her, he wasn't making any sense. “What did they forget ? Derek, what happened ?” He closed his eyes and tears slid across his cheekbones before crushing in his dark stubble.

 

“ Our house was pretty old, wooden family house. Right before my ride to hell, we had decided to move into one of the apartment of the building I'm currently living in, at least until all the reparations were done. It had become dangerous to live there, the electricity, the gas, the plumbing, nothing was working correctly anymore, but then I fucked up and all our urgent projects just became secondary. I forced my family to live in a death trap for more than 18 months, Stiles.” She tried to take his hand but he rejected the touch. “On the day I made them run in all directions to get me this freaking restraining order, they were supposed to move out, finally. They had the apartment, all the work permits and a hope to get their life back, but … they delayed everything … because of me … and that night ... Police said they must have forgotten to turn a light off in the kitchen and a fucking stupid unsheathed electric wire overheated next to the meter or something ….that's how the report said the fire had started. A fucking spark burned down my house and my parents. Can you believe that ? How more illogical can life become ?” That time Stiles caught his hand squeezing it as hard as her strength allowed her to, she didn't see any other way to tether him, to make him feel her understanding. “It's me Stiles. Because I didn't feel strong enough to get out that day, I killed them. I killed my parents in a moment of weakness.”

 

“Don't say that, Derek. You can't possibly think you are the reason they died that night.” Stiles was saying plain random things, but she was at a loss for words. She understood Derek's guilt, for she was bearing her own, but she didn't want him to believe in his own words.

 

“No, you're right. I killed them way before that. I killed my family the day I met her, the day I lost my will power, the day I stopped being myself.”

 

There was nothing Stiles could say to make him change his way of thinking, she was well aware of that. The only hope was to let time wash away his guilt, clear his biased vision. A fool's hope. Time had done nothing to her guilt. She squeezed his hands one more time before letting him go and taking a few step backwards. She squated to lay the flowers down in front of Laura's name. Derek offered his to his parents.

She came back to his side and asked “What happened to Laura ?”

 

“After our parents' death, she stayed tough and took care of me. She never once blamed me for anything. I saw her as one of the strongest person I knew. She held it together so well … she had everybody fooled. She never recovered from the loss but never said a word about it. About 2 years ago, she left a note and emptied a bottle of sleeping pills. Her note simply asked me to stop blaming myself and to start living again.” His tears were back and his gaze was avoiding Stiles'. “How can I ? I loved them so much, Stiles. I miss them so much.” the girl was now stroking his arm the same way her mother did whenever she wasn't feeling good. ' _Human contact is the best way to express your emotions from one person to another'_ , she used to say.

“Why didn't you put Laura next to your parents ?” she had been wondering since the beginning. Why would he let a space between his parent and his sister ?

 

“After the fire, I stayed in rehab for 3 more weeks, just in case, because I was in no state to be confronted to the outside world. I needed to find a better, stronger anchor if I wanted to be able to fight against myself, among all the temptations. So Laura and I, agreed on something.” He pointed with his chin to the empty space between Talia and Laura. Stiles' eyes grew wide in terror.

 

“Your grave is your anchor ?” she didn't want to believe it. No way. Derek couldn't build the rest of his life on his own grave. That was crazy.

 

“I made her promise that I would get to sleep forever by our parents' side. It was a lot to ask of her, but she understood and agreed, but I never thought of the possibility of her going before me. I always thought I would be the one to … first.”

 

“Derek tell me you're lying ? Tell me the prospect of your own death isn't what is keeping your life together ?” She was starting to panic. Sorrow, anger, hurt … she was experiencing all of these emotions at once and she couldn't express them properly. All she could hear was her mom's voice saying ' _Human contact is the best way to express your emotions from one person to another'_ over and over again. She had to make him understand what was happening in her head, what she was feeling, or else she was going to explode.

She cupped his face with her hands, pushed herself on the tip her toes just a bit and pressed their lips together. Her eyes closed, she just wanted him to stop talking, to stop saying all of this nonsense. She wanted him to feel better, just the way her mom would give her a peck on the lips to comfort her when she was anxious about a stupid thing she'd read about space in a science magazine or when she was hurt after falling from the tree in front of their house. Although she was aware it was not quite the same thing, she could think of no other way to express all of it. Derek would understand, she was sure.

 

Just two people touching their lips together, the kiss was chaste and soft and complicated. Derek couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. He had been so anxious about telling Stiles everything. He wasn't sure what would be her reaction and he'd thought about a lot of various possibilities but a kiss had not made it on his list. Somewhat, he understood what that kiss was for, what it was supposed to mean, but Stiles was lingering too long and complicating everything. In this moment of self loathing he didnt deserve to feel good, to be comforted with such a perfect and intimate gesture. That's why, he was the one to pull away first. He didn't want to lose Stiles, so he decided to avoid complications and keep the situation simple. He looked at her with a small smile he tried to make as cheerful as physically possible, and nodded to tell her he was feeling better. A wordless thank-you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't know about Poland, but in Europe it's not unusual in certain countries to kiss family members on the mouth and I have this picture of Mama Stilinski being this kind of mom.
> 
> This one became my fav chapter. I love it when Derek uses his words :)  
> I was very emotional writing about him. No matter what kind of TW fanfic I read, Derek is my favorite character.
> 
> Obviously, I know nothing about electricity but the unsheathed wire thing creating a fire in the house happened to my neighbors. Luckily, they had fire alarms and it was daytime, but I never knew such a small thing could create so much damages. So it became my Hale fire.
> 
> Next chapter will be emotionally lighter, or so I hope ^^


	10. Chapter 10

### MARCH 2009-

 

“Ugh, we're gonna miss you. You better not forget about us, traitor ! My lunch breaks are gonna be dead boring without you. You take care, huh.” Stiles hugged the woman tight before letting her go and getting in the car where Derek was waiting for her. “Man, I can't believe Cindy is already taking her pregnancy leave. It feels like yesterday she was telling us about her bun in the oven. Time flies … that's crazy.”

 

“Mmh, pregnancy looks good on her.” the man said absent minded as he flashed the left indicator to get out of the parking.

 

“ Looks good ? Yeah, I guess so, even though she looks like she just swallowed a planet. It must be so exhausting carrying a tiny little human being everywhere with you for 9 months. I'm actually relieved for her that she's gonna get it out soon !” Stiles was touching her stomach a disgusted frown on her face.

 

“You're thinking about Alien again, aren't you ?” Derek had been making fun of her since that day they had all gathered at Danny's to watch an Alien 1, 2 & 3 marathon, and Stiles had been shielding her stomach with her hands and a pillow 90% of the time , a horrified expression stuck on her face.

 

“How can you NOT think about it ?” When she understood he was mocking her she pulled her tongue as the 5 y.o she happened to be some times and turned the radio on. As they passed the sign welcoming them to Beacon Hills, Stiles decided it was time to ask him.  
She had been thinking about it for a while; since she'd talked with Allison about having some new hobbies. The brunette had told her that keeping busy was the best way to keep your life straight -so to speak- more so if you had ADHD. In fact, she was starting her French class next month and was more than excited about it. Her obsession for all the myths revolving around wolves had tingled her interest in French history and thus, in the French language. She had spent hours trying to translate old french wolf stories into English, but Google translator had definitely still place for improvement.  
Although she didn't get a chance to go to High school, Stiles had always been a pretty smart kid and had tried to be a diligent student when she managed to focus enough. English and History had been her favorite subjects back in Junior high. Sometime she wondered if nothing had happened, if her parents were still here, if she'd kept going to school, where she'd be now. In College probably, being a _normal_ young woman, going to parties, experimenting ... But there was no wondering, no ifs … Her life was here and now, her job, her friends, Derek were here and now. That was good enough for her.

Anyway, she still had big voids in her schedule that needed to be filled with another _extracurricular_ activity. For the sake of her own sanity.  
“Derek, I think we should take dance lessons.”

Without giving her a glance, the man raised a questioning eyebrow in a _what-the-hell-is-this-new-idea-of-yours_ kind of expression before uttering a simple. “What ?” He was good at using this word. Like world record good.

“Oh don't give me that look, Daddy boy. That could be fun.”

 

“What is it ? Did you stumble upon Dirty Dancing at the video rental store ?”

 

“What ? Nooo ! Not every idea I have comes from an obsession over a movie, Derek. Well, at least not all of them. Anyway, the lessons are on Sundays and we never know what to do after the meetings, so I figured. And, you're a good dancer, it's not even like you would make a fool out of yourself ! Pleaaaaaase.”

 

Derek still wasn't really reacting to her plea so she tried one last thing and if it didn't work, she'd surrender, probably, or not.

 

“Come on, Derek, this way you can spend quality time with your best friend, that's me by the way, _hello_ , and think about it, you could even meet someone.” she winked. “thus killing two birds with one stone.” She let the man think a bit longer and when she saw the little grin twitching the right corner of his lips, she knew she'd won.

 

“I guess I could give it a shot.”

 

“Yeeees.” She high-fived herself making her former guardian roll his eyes. After silence had fell back on them, she shared. “I'll have you know that I was 5 the first time I watched Dirty Dancing. It was my mom's favorite movie. She knew all the moves by heart, and her and my dad would dance for me some days until … she couldn't anymore.” Stiles' smile was true and warm as she talked about her parents. Happy memories always made her feel warm, the bitterness and the melancholy came later.

She looked outside the window and narrowed her eyes, watching as they passed a familiar street on the right. “Um, I think you missed the turn, Derek.”

 

“Yeah, I just remembered that I have this old VHS of Patrick Swayze dancing in tight jeans at home. I thought you wouldn't mind making tonight a movie night.” She grinned at him before turning the volume of the radio up.

Maybe this time the thoughts of her parents would just leave a lingering warmth, without any coldness echoing.

 

Derek knew her the best.

 

 _**--** **14 MONTHS LATER**_ **--**

 

 

### May 2010 -

 

“I can't believe you actually detailed the entire history of the male circumcision for your paper ! Even Miss Morell looked half impressed half horrified when you made your presentation today.” Allison was stunned but definitely impressed.

 

“It's just that I read an article about it in a medical magazine and Derek didn't seem to wanna talk about this particularly sensitive subject with me. He mentioned something about cruelty and agony while protecting his own crotch before leaving the room like a terrified puppy. So I guess after that, curiosity took over and I started doing some research about it and without knowing it, I was translating everything in French, out of habit I suppose. Point is, my grammar is still shitty as hell and I had to use a specific vocabulary, that I'm probably never gonna use again even if I had to live the rest of my life in France. But I won't deny it, I'm pretty proud of the way my mind works sometimes.”

 

Allison chuckled putting an arm around Stiles' shoulder leading the both of them out of the building, all the way to Stiles' Jeep.  
She had bought it right after getting her licence and she could still see Derek's crestfallen face when she had run towards the _piece of junk,_ as the man described it _,_ claiming she'd found the one. It was second hand of course, but who cared, the _girl_ had charisma and had passed the technical check, didn't she ? _In your face Derek !_  
Last summer, he was the one who had suggested she should get her driving licence. He also was the one who gave her personal lessons that went more or less smoothly depending on the days. They had asked Albert to lend them his little orange Toyota – Yes, Al was the orange colored car kind of man - since she could hardly have started driving with Derek's black baby.  
The time they spent together in the car with her behind the wheel had taught Stiles that her former guardian could definitely swear and in many different languages. Interesting.

It had been more than 6 months now and Derek agreed in the end, the Jeep was very, very Stiles.

 

“Not too stressed about the dance competition coming up ?” Allison asked surely already knowing the answer since Stiles had been freaking out and talking about it for weeks.

 

“Not so much anymore. I mean it's not like I'm the one competing, I'm just doing the representation with the others. And I get to dance the Rock which is nice since it's the only dance I can do without stepping on my own feet. Derek's the one who looks the most invested actually. I thought he'd freak out when Miss Blake asked him to do the actual competition with her ... but he agreed, just like that. At first, I thought he didn't understand the question properly, then I was fairly sure he was sick. I still think he is though. Don't you think it's weird to see him enjoy this so much?”

 

“Maybe he just wanna show the world his talent.” Allison was clearly joking. Right ?

 

“Not too convinced about that one.”

 

“Or he genuinely enjoys it, Stiles.”

 

“I guess that could be a possibility. But I hold my position, all of this smells fishy.”

 

 "Isn't it what you wanted ? For you and him to have a good time ?"

 

"Yes, it is. You're right. I'm still not used to seeing him like this I suppose. But, you're right. It's a good thing. It's a good thing."

 

**--**

 

The dancing room was actually a small cozy café were all the the tables and chairs were removed on Sundays for the occasion. They were 17 in the group, and had for most of them started off as beginners a year and a half earlier, which had helped them all bond faster and better.  
Danny was Stiles' partner, she'd managed to drag him too, after Lydia had turned her down to go take self-defense lessons with Kira, which was a valid choice too.   
Since they were an odd number and Derek had been the only tolerable dancer among them at the start, Miss Blake had picked him as her partner. Stiles couldn't deny the peak of jealousy she'd felt at first, after all it was supposed to be _their_ day, but Danny had made it all better with all his awesomeness and funni _ness._

If at first, Derek hadn't been too keen about spending his Sundays afternoon in a closed room full of strangers, he looked now always pretty happy to come here.

Stiles had tried to match him with Dan and Lukas (separately of course), the two other gay men in their group, excluding Danny, but he'd not looked interested at all. Stiles had found the two men pretty hot, despite them lacking boobs and having a dick and all.

 

“I took the liberty to choose your outfit relying on the sizes you gave me.  I chose a different dress color for every girl but it's gonna be black suits for the men. I still cherish the classics. I would like to remind you the representation is coming very soon, so let's make sure we're ready to make an impression, people. I also wanted to thank all of you for agreeing to participate in this and to come support Derek and I for the competition. It means a lot to me.” Everybody started cheering. Everybody but Stiles.

“Did she say dress ?” the girl whispered, leaning into Derek's space.

 

“I do believe she did.” Derek answered looking at her like she was some extraterrestrial being.

 

“But I didn't give her my size.”

 

“Oh, I did it for you.”

 

Now Stiles felt more confused than upset. “How can you possibly know what size I am.”

 

“The clothes you picked in Laura's stuff fit you pretty well, so I figured you had about the same measurements as she did.” the man simply replied.

 

 ~~

Stiles remembered that day very well.  
Last September.  
One afternoon, Derek had asked her for a _favor,_ as he said, to go with him in Laura's apartment to pack her belongings. Stiles had of course agreed, and that's how Peter, Derek and her had found themselves diving back in time. When Peter had opened the door, Derek had stood outside not daring coming in and Stiles had had to take his hand to help him cross thisemotional invisible barrier. His uncle was still paying someone to come and clean twice a month, so the place didn't look like nobody had lived in there in years, didn't look abandoned.   
They toured the apartment for a few minutes, or maybe a few hours, Stiles couldn't tell at the time, before they realized Peter had let them on their own. When Derek finally let go of Stiles hand it was to start sorting out family albums without opening them, framed pictures, CDs …  
To let the man have some privacy, Stiles wandered back in Laura's room they'd checked minutes before. She grazed the cold sheets with her right hands when memories of similar empty sheets and grief clenched her throat. She closed her eyes to get a hold of herself. She was here for Derek's moral support not the opposite.  
Warm fingers intertwining themselves with hers brought her back and she was able to give a reassuring and warm smile to the very emotional Derek standing by her side.

After opening the closet and the drawers full of clothes, he spoke for the first time breaking a religious silence. “Maybe you could find something that fits you in here.”

Stiles had been so astonished by this sentence coming out of nowhere and bearing such a heavy meaning that she stayed speechless still staring at Derek's back. He must have had understood her wordless worry, because not long after he'd added “I don't mind you know. I'd rather have you wear them than throwing them or giving them away.”

Stiles finally had the gut to utter something audible. “Yes, I'd like that. I'd like that very much.” She slid her right hand on Derek's shoulder who was kneeling in front of the wooden chest, and squeezed it gently.

Derek had been on the verge of tears the first time she'd put on one of Laura's t-shirt. Stiles had almost immediately tried to take it off, not even caring that she would've been half naked in the middle of the diner, before Derek had stopped her telling the girl it suited her incredibly well, and that he was feeling strangely warm seeing her in Laura's clothes.

That's how she now was sharing the same wardrobe as Laura. She'd even taken all the dresses, and she didn't wear dresses. Never.

 ~~

 

“But she said dresses, right?”

 

“Yes, Stiles. She said dresses.” Derek gave her an annoyed look asking her to focus a bit.

 

“But, she originally said we could choose our own outfit.” Stiles was feeling more and more upset.

 

“Come on Stiles, you're not gonna die by dressing like a girl for one night.”  
That hurt her really bad.  
He may not have meant it the way it sounded to Stiles, but that hurt all the same. She shut up for the rest of the teacher's speech, trying not to make the gloom showing through her face too obvious.

 

Everybody went to try their clothes on and check the size was right.

Stiles sat in the changing room, staring at her light-blue dress, not moving a muscle. A light knock and the door opening didn't make her shift even slightly. She couldn't keep her eyes off of the pale blue piece of cloth in her hands.

 

“Something wrong Stiles ?” Derek sat close to her waiting for an answer she wasn't sure she could give without setting free the silent rage boiling deep in her stomach. “You don't like the color of your dress ? Talk to me, what's wrong ?”

 

She clenched her teeth in an ultimate attempt at keeping calm. “I _don't_ wear dresses.”

The man snorted in relief “Is that all ? Come on Stiles you'll look great in it. It's just gonna be for a few hours. I think you'll survive this level of femininity.” 

 _Was he trying to hurt her on purpose ?_ Where was the man who understood her ?

 

She managed to repeat “Not the point. I simply DON'T wear dresses.”

 

He was looking a bit annoyed and that made her rage grow stronger. “Don't be so self-conscious about your body, it's not ...”

 

“I'm not FUCKING wearing a dress ! Are you not listening or are you deaf.” She was exploding and so afraid she wouldn't be able to stop the flow of anger coming out of her. She had to shut up now.

 

“Stop being childish Stiles. Try and act like an adult for a change.” Derek was now standing in front of her sounding as angry as she was and that made her freeze, unable to respond. He'd never raised his voice at her. Not even once. Not even when he'd learned she'd relapsed.  
They stared at each other tension making it hard to breath in the closed space.

Stiles stood up, took her bag and went for the door, when the man said in a deep regretting voice “Sorry. I shouldn't have.”

 

“I thought you knew me better than that Derek.” He watched her hand reach for the necklace around her neck, a habit he noticed she had whenever she felt out of control. She turned back to open the door.

 

“I'll talk to Jennifer. I'll ask her if you can wear something else.” the look on his eyes showed the remorse he felt for talking to her the way he did, but it also revealed his failure to understand what was happening in her mind, and _that_ 's what hurt the most.  “Who the hell's Jennifer ?”

 

“Hum, Miss Blake.” his pained expression turned into a guilty one in half a second.

 

Oh. Ooh. Of course.

 Stiles stared at Derek with void eyes, pulled her almost empty pack of cigarette out of her pocket and put one to her mouth, her eyes still fixed on him. She then turned around and left.

Derek stood in the dark after the time-switch had run out. "Fuck."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not quite sure how Jennifer Blake is gonna turn out, but knowing myself, I'm pretty confident she's gonna be a pain in my and Stiles' ass.
> 
> And yep, Peter is a good guy in this story. I just couldn't do that to Derek. I couldn't also take his uncle, by turning him into a psychotic killer.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, job's crazy busy lately. Anyways, here it is. I hope you enjoy.  
> As always thank you for reading.

 

She was lighting her umpteenth cigarette of the day as the sun was slowly setting down in the horizon, painting a reddish-purple sky she could see through the opened window, her fingers stroking the hair of the redhead laying on her laps. Scott and Isaac were sitting on her left making a perfect mat where Lydia could spread on like the perfect Princess she was. Danny was in the kitchen looking for some snacks and the sweet spring breeze coming through the window brought all the tasty smells of the bakery from across the street.

Derek had left them around half an hour earlier in the evening, after receiving a text. He'd kissed everybody in one big gesture and excused himself before storming out without offering any further explanation. Not too difficult to put 2 and 2 together when you had all the clues in hand, however.  
Stiles had had a sour taste lingering in the back of her throat, as she'd waved at him saying “Later.”

 

Danny was settling in the armchair near the couch, she took it as her cue to ask. “Did you know ?”

It was a quiet question and, anyway, everyone else was too preoccupied insulting violently the TV when Greedo fired first for the sake of the all mighty 'politically correct'. _For god sake George, let Han Solo actually be Han Solo !_

Everyone but for Lydia. The girl didn't make it too obvious, but she was definitely listening to the conversation going on between her ex and their host.

 

“He did mention something about it.” Danny opened his diet coke in one swift move, and put it to his lips.

 

“But, how did this happen ?”

 

“Stiles, Derek's hardly the let-me-share-my-stories-with-you kinda guy. I don't know, I guess it just happened.”

 

“Well, at least how long has it been going on ?”

 

“It's a conversation you should have with him. It's really not my place to talk about this kinda stuff.” Danny put a hand on her shoulder. “But Stiles, don't be too hard on him. He's dealing with his life the best he can.”

The girl nodded and when she looked down to where her fingers were tangled in Lydia's hair, she was met with clever bright eyes staring right back at her.

 

It had been about ten days since she'd found out about Miss Blake and Derek, but she'd chosen not to confront him about it. First, because it was his private life and no matter how hurt and angry she was her best friend had decided not to share this part of his life with her, if he didn't want to talk about it, there was not much she could do. Second, because truthfully, she wasn't sure why she felt hurt and angry, and this was something _she_ didn't want to think about, much less talk about it.

That's why, she'd decided to avoid the man as much as possible, for his sake, or hers. _Too confusing_.  
They were seeing each other at work and on Sundays but she'd stopped going to his apartment and their conversations were more … casual. As far as she could tell, the man hadn't even noticed the change, so it wasn't bound to become a problem. Not on his part apparently. She thought of it as giving herself some space and time to get used to Derek's choice to add someone new and important in his life.  
 _Relationship changes, right ?_ _Nothing is forever._

 

**--**

 

The Dancing room reminded her of the cinema she used to go to with her parents a long time ago, but with a wide stage on the front instead of a big white screen. The place was old and smelled a bit funny, probably because there wasn't much aeration moving the air around. Even though the folding seats were a little small, she was comfortably settled in one of them, waiting for Danny to end his call to Jackson to come and join her. _young love, it comes and goes !_

 

She had been pretty categorical about not wanting to wear her outfit and apparently in this world, if you're a girl : no dress, no dance. She found the rule sexist and patriarchal but mostly stupid. She'd been a bit upset not to be able to participate, but as she watched the students of all the dancing schools of California do their thing, she came to the conclusion it was perhaps as much fun being a member of the audience as doing the dancing.

What had upset her the most in all this was the fact that Danny couldn't take part in all this either. Without a partner there wasn't much choice, and when Stiles had suggested he paired up with Derek, Jennifer had kindly reminded her that it was against the rules. _And bigots above all_. Problem was, the travel expenses had already been paid for, so even if they were just going to be bystanders, they had to go.

 

That's how, Danny and her found themselves watching everything from afar, quietly criticizing and sometimes even bitching about the different representations given. Not the nicest thing to do, but it definitely felt good doing so.

 

Came the time of the contest. Now, that was something else to watch. All the couples dancing were mesmerizing. Once you witnessed something like that, you understood why people called dance another form of language. Depending on the tempo, the steps, the music, the expression on the dancers' face, they were all telling different stories. Some were sad, and devastating while others were funny and cunning, but one thing was common to all of them, the passion.  
As she watched a couple she didn't know swirling and whirling on the stage, she remembered of another couple that used to dance like this, whose every steps showed love and compassion. She realized her heart was yearning for this kind of feeling.  
That's when she saw Derek appear on stage followed by a self confident and beautiful Miss Blake. Stiles considered leaving the room for a bit, a wave of emotions overcoming her, but as soon as the couple started dancing, she had no choice but to keep watching. The way Derek was leading the woman with force and conviction, making her spin and swing with smooth moves, his attention focused only on his partner, hypnotizing. It made Stiles long for something she didn't know she wanted. In that instant, she'd wished Lydia and the gang could have come. She felt empty and cold, as she watched absent minded the other couples competing.

Derek and Jennifer won the 4th place, and all Stiles could feel was an awkward relief, but she kept quiet as she congratulated her former guardian and his partner.

Derek looked happy and that made her bitterness taste even worse on her tongue. 

 

**--**

 

“So ? does it fit ?” Danny's patience was growing thinner as Stiles was taking forever to try her outfit on.

 

“I think so. Kinda.”

 

“A yes or no would suit me better. Come out, I'll see for myself.” Her inability to understand fashion was still a mystery to Lydia and him.

Stiles stepped out of the bathroom, pulling at her sleeves to make the wrinkles disappear, and checked herself in the 6'' tall mirror hanging on the wall.  
She was wearing a classic black suit over a plain white shirt making her pale skin look even more like she'd just gotten out of jail. She'd never worn anything that looked this expensive. The legs were still too long which made her glad she'd borrowed one of Lydia's pair of heels. She'd picked the only pair with heels high enough so that it could be considered actual heels, but not too much so she could actually walk with them.

“Shit Stiles, you look great. If you were a guy I'd definitely hit on you.”

 

“If I were a guy, I definitely let you.”

 

“I told you heels would look better.”

 

“Well, I'm still mad you didn't let me pull a Ten. A suit and a pair of converse is the fashion peak, Danny.”

 

“In a Doctor Who convention, sure thing. Here, not so much.” They both laughed remembering the little disagreement they'd had a week earlier when Stiles had called Danny asking him if he had proper clothes she could wear for the representation. She had realized she had nothing suitable to attend a formal event in her wardrobe and had chosen not to look into Laura's stuff, not really sure of the reason why.

He'd been a little mad, well as mad as Danny could get, that she hadn't called him earlier, the dance being four days after. Fortunately, Jackson had been there that day and had told his boyfriend that he probably had one of his (much) older Tux that could fit her. He had been right, except for the too long sleeves and legs, it fitted her alright. Proof that puberty had worked pretty well on him.  
“A little hem here and there, and it will do.” had said Lydia, happy to turn Stiles into her puppet for a few hours.  
The redhead had also been the one putting an end to the shoe disagreement between Danny and Stiles. “Danny's right. A suit like that calls for heels, sweetheart.”. No point arguing.

 

“We're lucky, your boyfriend is sentimental enough to keep the suits he can't even fit in anymore.” She had turned her back to the mirror and was now facing the Hawaiian in a _Tada!_ gesture.

Danny smiled as he checked his watch. It must have been around 8 because the man offered her his arm in a perfect gentleman manner. In a gentle provocation, she offered hers back. “I always top, baby.” The man rolled his eyes and laughed as he took her arm, letting her lead the way.

 

They entered the main room and the crowd made Stiles feel uncomfortable as they both walked farther into the flow of people looking for their seat. The uneasiness creeping slowly down her stomach grew stronger when she spotted the bottles on each table and the big sign over the counter in the right corner of the room, flashing OPEN BAR in a bright yellow neon.

It's not like she hadn't considered it, of course had. She wasn't stupid, after all this was a party, a fancy party, but a party nonetheless, and she was well aware that party means alcohol, at least for the rest of the world.

She knew exactly what to expect coming here, she just never thought she wouldn't ready for it. And boy, she wasn't ready. Everyone's excitement buzzing around her, people already a bit tipsy after drinking aperitifs on empty an empty stomach. All of a sudden, she felt like a phony, like she didn't belong among them. I was a heady feeling, but in the wrong kind of way.

“Stiles ?” She heard the voice calling from an other world. She focused enough and looked at the table they were headed towards and was greeted by a smiling Miss Blake, _Jennifer_ , gesturing for Danny and her to come and sit with them.

Derek sitting by the woman's side glanced over the two of them approaching. He stood up in a quick move, almost losing his balance doing so, an unreadable expression on his face. However, Stiles could tell the light in his eyes was directed at her and her alone. She could feel the burn of his stare on her. She recognized this look, she knew this look, she'd just never seen it on Derek. Not when he looked at her. Terrifying thoughts and doubts swathed her.

“Stiles, you …”

“look really good.” Jennifer completed Derek's sentence and the man nodded silently, not gazing away from Stiles.

 

“Doesn't she ?” Danny added settling on his chair leaving Stiles no choice but to sit by Derek's side. The man sat back only after Stiles did and finally tore his gaze away.

 

Stiles was trying not to stare at the bottle of Pinot Noir on the table, or at the bar not too far from them, but wherever she looked she could see it. Stiles didn't know alcohol could have so many different colors. Green, blue, purple cocktails dancing around in the room, amber liquids being poured into tumblers, dark red wines being tasted at the bar … Most of the cocktails were even decorated with fruits and little umbrellas. This was all just a sweet game for them. A way to be uninhibited, to flirt even. _'fools'_ she thought, but who was she kidding, she was the odd one.

A hand grabbed the wine bottle she has been staring at, stopping the spiral of thoughts whirling in her head, and placed it behind the big bouquet so that it wasn't visible from where she was sitting. She glanced at the hand's owner and met Derek's worried look. She mouthed a 'thank you' and tried to convince him silently with only the power of her eyes that she would be alright.  
Stiles kept staring at him as he resumed his conversation with Jennifer. She couldn't deny they looked good together. They made sense together. That's what she'd realized this afternoon during the competition, and to be honnest, there wasn't much to dislike about her dance teacher. So why couldn't she just be glad for them and be done with the contradictory thoughts.

 

As the dinner advanced, Stiles was becoming more and more restless, the vapors of alcohol were growing stronger. Her mouth was salivating, but she couldn't tell if it was by want of a sip or a simple warning that she was about to throw up, and her hands were sweating profusely. Her body was betraying her. No matter how hard she was trying to over power her mind, her body was out of control.

 

“Come on, let's make a toast.” She heard a feminine voice say. “Stiles, come on, here, you can have this shot, we won't tell anybody.” and the woman winked at her.

Incredulous, Stiles took the little glass containing a pinkish liquid and raised it to her head without even realizing what she was doing. It was as if she was an other person watching her body move, trying to prevent it from doing an unimaginable stupid thing, but failing completely to be heard.  
As she was about to put the shot to her mouth, the same strong hand as earlier snatched it from her grip and threw it violently on the floor. Luckily, no one was paying much attention to their table and only the woman that had been sprayed a bit glared at them waiting for an apology. Derek didn't take the time to offer one. He'd come back from wherever he'd gone and the anger showing through his face was paralyzing. “What the fuck are you doing ?”  
Stiles was about to answer, when she saw the man wasn't looking at her, he wasn't asking her.

“Oh, Derek, come on. It's just a little alcohol. She won't get drunk.”

 

“That's not the point, she's not 21 yet.”

 

“Seriously, like you never had a drop of vodka when you were 19. Let her have some fun.”

 

“I think you're not getting my point. I don't _want_ her to drink. I don't drink, she doesn't.” Derek's tone was harsh and cold. Stiles wanted to say something, she was starting to feel bad for Jennifer who had only wanted to make her have some fun, but she couldn't find the strength in her to move her lips. Raising that glass of alcohol had frozen all her muscles.

 

“Overprotective much, Derek. Fine.” She obviously wasn't happy with the way he'd talked to her but she just smiled it off, before taking her own shot, a provocative look on her face.

Stiles was feeling really bad for being totally helpless. She watched the man sit down every part of him still as tensed as a bow string, and looked down to her own hands now shaking.

 

After a while, when Danny came back to the table after politely dancing with the 9 y.o who had been eyeing him all night, and seeing as the tension between Derek and Jennifer had not decreased, Stiles gathered her thoughts and left the table holding her pack of cigarettes for them to see and headed towards the door.

 

**--** 

 

Derek had noticed the distance Stiles was putting between them lately, and he was doing nothing to stop her. It's what he was trying to do in the first place, so the fact it was coming from Stiles made everything easier. In theory.  
He knew Stiles was dealing with something she wasn't talking about. He'd asked Erica, Deaton (both of them), Melissa and the rest of the pack to check if anyone had any idea as to what was going on in her mind, lately. The scene she'd made about the dress had been way over the top for someone who simply didn't like to wear dresses, he was fairly certain there was something bigger behind it. He'd tried to get her to speak by making her angry, she always spilled her darkest thoughts through a wave of anger, but it hadn't worked. It had only hurt her more and he'd felt terrible for being the cause of it. His second mistake had been to let her know about Miss Blake like that.

 

The thing with Jennifer had just happened. He hadn't been looking for anything, but when she'd asked to go for a coffee, he'd thought ' _Why not?_ ', wasn't it the solution to his problem. The woman was attractive and smart and funny, so why not give it a shot ? It had been a long time since he'd dated a woman and it always felt different. Not worse nor better, just different. Being with Jennifer made his relationship with Stiles less confusing for him, it was drawing boundaries he could actually see and respect. Or so he thought, because when he saw Stiles coming towards them in her black suit, he barely noticed Danny by her side. All the inappropriate thoughts he hadn't had in months flooded his mind and made his heart rate speed up. She looked older and more mature, the simplicity of her ponytail and the absence of make-up made her natural beauty glow. He noticed the few stolen glances at her from boys and men sitting at other tables and the jealousy over-whelmed him as he stood up from his chair for no apparent reason.

The dinner went on smoothly, everybody making small conversation about the dances from the afternoon. Derek could almost feel the uneasiness growing in Stiles as she was sweeping the room with wary eyes. He'd discreetly moved the wine bottle as far away from her, but there was not much he could do for the rest of the alcohol moving around in the room.

When he came back from his cigarette break, his heart skipped a beat as he saw Jennifer put a shot glass in Stiles' hand. After that, the rest happened in slow motion. His reaction had definitely been overly violent, but his body had been in auto-pilot. He understood Stiles would not be able to put the glass down the moment he'd seen her blank eyes. It didn't matter that she'd been sober for over 2 years, there were too many stimuli here and there was no way she'd be able to have this much self-control. It would be too much for anybody. He did what he had to to protect her, he regretted none of his actions or words. He just had to think of a good lie to explain his acts to his girlfriend later.

 

**--**

 

The fresh air she breathed in felt good, as if it was purifying her from whatever had happened down there. From where she was standing, she could see the lights of the whole San Francisco and it looked amazing. The last drag she took on her cigarette made her want more, so she put another one to the corner of her mouth and lit it. She wasn't even counting them anymore, but neither was Derek so she didn't feel to bad about it. Maybe she was looking up to him too much, relying on him too helplessly. Or maybe not, she liked him as her backbone, she liked life this way.

 

Being up there in the dark night, by herself, the truth was, the world felt safer. Everything was better when it was still and calm and peaceful, when she was watching it from the outside. Everything looked, felt and smelled better. _No wait_. It was not the world she was smelling right now.

Derek slid his arms around her from behind, pressing her back against his chest, his hands resting on her stomach, and kissed softly the back of her head. Stiles relaxed in the embrace she'd been longing for, unaware of it. They stayed like this, motionless, watching the city live from afar.

 

“Are you alright ?” He finally asked.

 

“I don't think so.” There was no denying the facts. She wasn't fine and when it came to Derek, she didn't feel like lying anymore. She was tired of faking normality. Being with Derek meant being herself, wholly.

 

“Should we get out of here ?”

 

She'd been thinking about it for a while now and there was indeed a place she wanted to go. She felt like she'd reached a dead-end lately in her life, in her sobriety, and she knew exactly where to go for the gears to start moving again.

She released herself from his grasp to face him. “Actually, I've got somewhere I'd like you to take me.”

 

“Wherever you want.”

 

“It's a bit far from here, though.”

 

“We've got all week-end.” He grinned at her at took her hand to lead her off the roof. And selfishly telling nobody, they just took off.

 

**--**

 

On the road, they'd each called Danny and Jennifer to apologize the best they could, explaining that Peter had called them and there was some kind of emergency with Stiles apartment. Not sure any of them bought it, but Derek and her really didn't care right now.

The freedom, the spontaneity, it all felt unreal. Stiles still didn't believe she was about to do that. She'd given him the address and he'd asked no question when he entered it in his GPS.

They'd been driving for 2 hours now and it was about 1:30 in the morning when Derek pulled over in front of the house wearing the number 224.

They stayed in the car, radio still playing some music from Derek's iPod, watching the house that showed no visible sign of life, at this hour everybody was probably sleeping. They were waiting in silence. Derek was waiting for Stiles to do something, whereas Stiles was waiting for her body to be ready to move. It was long and silent and nerve-racking. She'd been wanting to do this for so long, dreamt about it so many times.

When the clock flashed 3:00 am, Derek turned the radio off. “The battery's gonna run out if we keep it on.”

 

Stiles nodded slowly and took a deep breath, before reaching into her backpack and pulling out a small worn out plastic bag. She showed Derek the excessively pink little dress in it. It was obviously a young girl's dress.

“After they found me kissing Emily,” she pointed at a house not far down the road. “there were consequences. As I told you, they stopped talking to me, completely. They didn't even acknowledge my presence anymore, except to make sure I wasn't  _molesting_  their daughter. They always forgot to set my plate on the table or to pack my lunch for school. They weren't starving me or anything ! I always had something to eat, they just reminded me every day my place wasn't here. The only person who would actually talk to me was the woman's brother, _uncle_ Earl." Stiles snarled. "He was a drunkard asshole, but at the time he was the most important person in my life, he actually cared about me and would always let me wet my lips in his whisky like my dad used to.” Derek was feeling less and less comfortable with were her story was going. Seeing the horror growing on Derek's face, Stiles reassured him. “No, no, he never touched me or anything, it's not, it's not like that.” she breathed again, lowering her gaze not wanting to meet Derek's eyes.

“ A few months later, after the incident, he asked me if I wanted to go shopping with him one afternoon. Of course, I agreed without hesitation. He took me to the nearest Macy's and made me try dozens of dresses. I wasn't too fond of dresses already, but I was so fucking happy of the attention he was giving me. Finally he picked the pinkiest one, made me wear it, and put my old clothes in this plastic bag. I wasn't feeling comfortable in the outfit but he'd paid for it, for me, so I wore it nonetheless.” She had a sad warm smile for the 14 y.o self who had felt wanted even just for a short moment. “But, before going home, we made another stop. He took me to a hairdresser. A men's hairdresser. I wasn't sure what was happening until the moment I saw the electric shaver. I stood their in that chair while a man was shaving my head. I wasn't even angry or sad. I was lost, I think. I didn't understand why they were doing that. So I didn't move. Once my buzz cut was done, _uncle Earl_ made me look at myself in the glass telling me ' _You see what happens when a girl acts like a boy, it's not pretty. Not pretty at all. You'll thank me later.'”_

Derek was petrified, who could abuse a person like that, a child.

“After we got home, he put a bottle of whisky and a tumbler in front of me and said ' _If you wanna be a man, start by drinking like one, shitface_ '. I remember staying in front of the table in this ridiculous dress staring at the bottle. My foster mom came in, looked at me and said nothing. She took off, leaving me with nothing but this fucking bottle. And I also remember distinctly how aweful it had felt when I first tasted it. It burned, but I kept drinking.” She snorted. Her own story sounded senseless to her ears.

“It took me 11 days to empty the bottle, the next day, a new one had been put in the cabinet, and _nobody_ said _anything_. They all knew I was the one drinking it, but they just didn't care. After that it became a habit, and then later on, it became vital to my day. I had become an addict. I was only fucking fourteen, Derek. That's not right. You don't let someone do that, you don't.” She was sobbing uncontrollably with no tears coming out. Her body had become an unbearable cage, and she needed to let go of everything. Derek took her in his arms holding her firmly so that she would stop shaking.

She was exhausted but she wanted to be done with this once and for all. Slowly moving away from Derek's arm, she looked for a piece of paper and a pen in the glove compartment, and wrote a few words quickly. “I think it's time to do this.”  
She got out of the car. She was alone, in the silent night, but the darkness wasn't frightening to her anymore. This house wasn't as scary as it used to be. She wasn't a child anymore.

She put the note in the plastic bag and the bag in the mailbox.

Before getting back in the car, she glanced one more time to the place where all of her nightmares took place at night, she glanced one last time.

 

As Derek drove them away, her head felt light and at peace. She still had a lot of issues she'd have to work on, she knew it, but in this instant, she was her own again.  
“How are you feeling ?”

 

“Better.”

 

“What did you write on the paper ?”

" _I'm free now_."  

And she was.Actually, she was so much that she felt sick. “Stop the car. I'm gonna puke.” She got out of the car quickly and threw up in the bushes a few feet away. Nausea was the worst feeling, it's what she'd hated the most in rehab.  
Derek's hand was rubbing her back while the other was holding her hair up. “I'm gonna need water and gum, loads of gum.” Derek chuckled, giving her a tissue and leading her back to the car.

 

After they'd stopped at a drug store to buy what Stiles needed, plus some well deserved snacks, they were once more sitting quietly in the parked car, watching the sunrise. Stiles felt exhausted and knew she'd black out soon. She turned to face Derek who was already looking at her, and shifted in her seat to lean against him. He squeezed her body with his arms a bit tighter. " You looked incredibly beautiful tonight Stiles."

She chuckled silently, "Menswear, it was bound to attract you, right ?" Derek made a fake annoyed sound. 

She sighed. "Thank you for not drinking either tonight, and for everything else."

He rested his cheek on her head. "Anytime, Stiles. Anytime."

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a big fan of Girl!Stiles but for this fic, I needed Stiles to be like me. So yeah, I gave him a vagina.
> 
> This is a WIP but I know exactly where I want the fic to go and I'll be done with it in a few more weeks. If you feel like I should add tags or warnings, just tell me :) 
> 
> I hope this fic will get longer and longer !
> 
> I'll be updating once or twice a week, but sure, on Thursdays ;)


End file.
